Erin came over this morning and let me cry, and gave me hugs, and asked me to tell her about my grampa, and as always made everything all better. I'm pretty much okay now, just kind of wiped out and dealing with the physical aftereffects of crying too much. My contacts are completely fogged over and I can barely see out of them -- I really should just put my glasses on for now, thanks for reminding me, I'm going to do that in a minute. I fell SOUND asleep this afternoon for maybe 30 minutes. And my head is a little foggy too. But emotionally, I'm okay. I'm drinking lots of water to replace all my tears and I'm just really tired. The fact that I'm not going down the dark hole of depression again is really all thanks to Erin. She knew exactly how to make things better, and ONCE AGAIN I appreciate her so much.

Now I'm going to take out my contacts and put my glasses on, then maybe I can get some reading done. And writing too.

Thanks Erin, you're the most wonderful friend and I love you.

Just one more reason to be proud of my grampa

Deseret News: Salt Lake City, Utah August 6, 1943Under the heading NAVAL CAPTAIN WILL BE HONORED you can see my grandfather, Raymond Foster, was presented with Navy and Marine Corps medals for "heroism".

Bad Day

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I chose to try to ignore it and just think about her through the day, like I usually do. And things went mostly ok with that, until the end.

I had to go in to the office today, my first time at our new offices in almost 2 years, because my laptop has died. At first they thought they could fix it, but after sitting there forever they decided they needed to send my hard drive away to try to recover something, anything, from it. So I get to go back to the office in a few days to pick up whatever was left of my computer.

The good part of the day was seeing people I work with who haven't seen me in over 18 months. I said Hi to them, but was passing through and couldn't stop to talk. But when I went back to their area, from around a corner I could hear them all saying "I didn't even RECOGNIZE her!" "She looks AMAZING!" "She's lost so much WEIGHT!" And you know, I'm still fat, but the last time they saw me I was pretty obese. So that was nice.

The bad part was that if I hadn't had to go in to the office I could have hung out with my friend Tassoula, who was without anything else to do until her plane left for Seattle that evening. I was hoping to spend a couple hours just hanging out with her, but I couldn't, so to the office I went.

The other bad part was Erin having to cancel plans to see me last night. Wasn't her fault, I was just disappointed. But later we had a phone conversation and an argument and I don't know, I guess it's been a couple months since we've had a fight so we were overdue. I guess. I hate when this happens, I love her too much to fight but we are just both sort of emotional people. I can't really explain what I was feeling then, because what happened next made everything worse.

My cell phone rang at 7:30pm and I saw my aunt's name pop up. I knew what it was. I knew it with all my heart, and I didn't answer the phone. I felt punched in the gut, and I just sat on the couch for an hour trying to get the nerve to call her back. Why today? I thought. I was already freshly emotional from my call with Erin, and my mind just kept thinking, No, No, No, Not today, it didn't happen, not now, not now, not now.

At 8:30 I took the phone to my room, took a deep breath, and called my aunt. My grandfather had passed away. He'd been sick for three months but no one called me. My aunt said I was too far away to come help, but they're only 90 minutes away, I could have come on weekends. He got sick, and took three months to die. Now he's with my grandmother and my mom. And I'll never see him again.

My grampa was my most favorite relative, and I've said that multiple times in my writing. He was the most intelligent man I ever knew but he was mostly silent, just trying to steer people in the right direction. When I announced my engagement he suggested we just live together first. He called my dad a racist to his face (he was). My most favorite line I ever heard him say was "I'm going to give you some advice and it's worth what it's costing you..." He made the best pancakes in the world, something I've never been able to duplicate. He put up with a (literally) crazy Italian wife, and four loud and crazy daughters. He spent years on a submarine during the war and even had a costarring role in a book. He loved all seven of his grandchildren. He said that my children were the most well-behaved and happy children he had ever seen, and that meant the world to me. He stuck by my grandmother and her madness until she died after 66 years of marriage. And every single morning until he got sick he went to the pool and swam 100 laps.

He was in the hospital but begged to be taken home. My aunt, the angel who took care of my mother also (she didn't tell me my mother was sick then either, but no one realized exactly how sick she was), took him home and nursed him for three months. Soon he stopped eating, and then drinking. The last day of his life, Saturday, he had nothing at all. And then he died in his sleep.

I know he had a good life, he had a very long life, I will just miss him very much. I want him to know how much I loved him, because I did love him, more than I could ever ever explain. I'm completely broken up about this and guilty that I had not gone to see them in the last year. I would have made the trip if I had known. I would have been there every weekend. But I should have gone when I thought he was well.

I'm just missing him very much, and I'm going to miss him for the rest of my life. I suppose he's with my grandmother and my mother now, at least I hope he is and that he's at peace and that he died knowing how much he was loved.

I remember the last time I saw him, it was the last time I saw my grandmother too. He was sitting in his chair on the sun patio, wearing gloves and a scarf. I told him I loved him and gave him a long hug, always knowing it could be our last. Then I hugged my grandmother too and tried to remember the feel of her soft cheek next to mine, every second of the hug, because I knew it might be our last. And it was.

I love you Grampa, and I'll never forget you.

Today we're celebrating Thanksgiving. Since it's just me and the kids, we decided to have an early one so we didn't have to deal with them leaving for their father's house, and also other people are now available to come over.

So Buffy invited six of her friends. Spike is having two. House full of teenagers. Yay.

Because I've never cooked a turkey before (and swore to my mother's dead body that I NEVER WAS [THAT'll show her]), and because we didn't want to screw things up either, we've ordered the dinner from Marie Calenders. We're getting turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, yams, vegetables, cornbread, apple and cherry pie. Then I'm making stuffed eggs and bought olives. And each of the guests is bringing their favorite side dish. YAYY! It should be a great dinner. TONS of food.

But don't think I don't have vodka and a very nice bottle of chianti for myself and Erin. Dudes, at least 9 teenagers are going to be in this house. Mommy needs to drink.

I know I've been bad, no updating here, too much updating on FaceBook instead. So here you go:

1. We got a WII!!!!!!!!! And I've been playing it. Kids have been warned: this is MY game, MY thing, do not break it, loan it out, borrow it, steal it, move it, break it, scratch it, spill on it, trip over it, step on it, smash it, break it, etc. In short: don't touch it.

2. Buffy and I ran a 5K race in Monterey last weekend and had a really great time together. I'm just loving that girl to death lately.

3. She turns 17 on the 18th!!!!!!!!!!

4. I got tickets to see Wicked in San Francisco, May 6! Just Buffy and me!

5. Spike is still in college, still working at Circuit City for the time being, still being a good boy.

6. I'm down to one class in school, my Musical Theater class, because the others were canceled for low enrollment. I love my Musical Theater class, and my professor.

7. Cinequest starts February 25!!!

8. I just might be ready to go back to "real" school next fall. And maybe even back into the English Department. We'll see. I'm also thinking about Mass Communications/Journalism, or Business.

9. Scott and I went to http://mangiamopizza.com/ for lunch and I had lots of wine and typing this all out is a BITCH right now.

10. I've been wearing false eyelashes and actual makeup, and it looks good and I'm having fun.

Okay, that's all I can do right now. I'll see you all at Cinequest in ten days!

I start my first class of the semester tomorrow, I'm using that as an excuse for doing absolutely nothing productive this weekend.

AND I bought tickets to see "Chicago" at the Center for Performing Arts in January! One of my very favorite musicals!

I think I'm going to keep our little Japanese dollar store Christmas tree up all year. It's just too cute to put away.

"Sounds like something this family would do," muttered Buffy.

But I know she secretly loves the idea.

There's been a lot going on and a lot of nothing going on at the same time. Haven't been ready to sit and write yet, but Christmas was very nice.

Now Buffy and I and her friend are off to see the Nutcracker Suite by the San Jose Ballet. She informed me this year that she had always wanted to go see it, so here we go.

Gotta brush my teeth now. I'll post pics on Flickr if I get a chance.

What better present for me from my kids?

We have our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree that I have done up with enough ornaments that pretty much looks adorable enough to eat.
Buffy ran to the drug store and bought three cheapo stockings since we haven't dug out any Christmas bins. They're hanging by the fireplace with care.
The little Charlie Brown tree is half obscured by all the presents stacked around it.
Buffy is making one batch of cookies right now, our Hickory Farms cheese and sausage are waiting with some herbed crackers, bean dip and Ruffles are ready to go, we have egg nog and sparkling cider and there's a fresh bloody mary by my side.
The kids are in their rooms wrapping presents they bought for me and when they're done then Spike is going to make homemade pizza (his effort to take over my mother's traditions).

And as soon as that's done, it will be Christmas! There's not one official decoration in the house, but we're ready and happy. NEXT year we'll have our acts together. (Right?) THIS year we're making do like always and we're ready to open presents!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

So we still don't have a tree up.

We've used a pretty nice fake tree since our house burned down, but this year Buffy asked for a real tree and I figured... why not. But we've been running around so much (for instance driving all morning to pick up her car yesterday) that we haven't had time. So today, Buffy said she didn't really want to drag out the Christmas decorations just for a few days, so she went and bought a three foot high fake tree. Good grief. Can you get any sadder than that. We're going to have a three foot tall plastic tree from the Japanese $1.50 store... and no decorations? hahaha...
I think I'll pick some up at the drug store tonight.

But I did get a lot of shopping done today, including a giant box of Hickory Farms sausage and cheese. I'm assuming that since I work tomorrow there will be no time for homemade cookies either. So maybe I can pick up some boxed peanut brittle at the drug store too. Erm.

The only thing to make up for my Christmas slackeriness (it's not really my fault if I was at school until the 18th, right?) is the presents. We spent way less this year, like most people. About 80% less actually, but there are still lots of presents. Spike only has a few, but 18 year old boys tend to ask for presents that cost a whole lot more, whereas 16 year old girls love mittens and eye shadow.

Still, tomorrow I'll be at Target by 8am trying to finish up, and then hopefully run through the grocery store where I can maybe find either some good bakery cookies (not likely) or something really easy that Buffy can cook up while I'm at work.

Oh yeah, and the only things wrapped so far are what I bought at Barnes & Noble today.

This Christmas seems to have gone backwards in my efforts to come close to my mother's Christmases, heh, but luckily my depressive state ended last week, so now I can just laugh at the mess that is an undecorated Japanese dollar store plastic tree with store-bought snacks.

Because like I knew as I watched my house burn down six years ago, all that matters is that we have each other. We don't have everyone, but we have the three of us and we have presents and we'll find a way to make it a happy time just like we always do.

We're all taking off now to pick up the Mercedes. We'll be back around noon.
I still feel more stupid than excited about buying the car, but hopefully when I see it and drive it I'll feel better.

Or when I get up the nerve to let Scott know that I accidentally bought a car. Then I can relax and be happy about it if he doesn't kill me, hahahah.

I'm in Aptos for the weekend with Scott. We're going to relax and read and watch TV and tomorrow we're going to see "Slumdog Millionaires".

No school!

...goes like this:

1am - go to bed. As usual, I can't get to sleep before this time.

4am - woken up by son coming through the front door. He "passed out" at his friend's house.

6am - woken up by daughter who says she is "feeling weak" and can't go to school.

7am - find a clogged kitchen drain when I get up to make coffee.

8am - cannot get into my easy-read chick-lit book AT ALL. School has ruined my easy-reading habits.

9am - loving my new pair of shoes makes things a little better.

I just shelled out way too much money for four tickets to go see Britney Spears in concert at the HP Pavilion in April. I have no idea why.

I'm taking Buffy and two of her friends. We all know I only did this so *I* could see her, right?
Feel free to laugh your asses off. I'm ashamed of myself, haha.

Tomorrow we'll all be separated, the kids to their dad and me with Scott to his family. But we'll have a good morning together and three days after.

Buffy and I will be going to the gym as often as possible over the weekend while I try to write my three papers in between.

I'm thrilled to be running again and love working my lungs and heart as hard as I can. It's nice to not worry about dieing in the street. It's nice to feel alive again. (But to Annie: I'm not running any marathons any time soon, especially Boston or New York! But maybe next year!) Honestly I'm thrilled to be running at all, but my goals of doing a 10K again and my first triathlon are enough for now. How many people can say they've done a triathlon, even a sprint tri? So I'm thrilled with my goals for 2009.

Took Buffy to Macy's today while I searched for some jeans, but they were all 12-18 inches too long. How long are the legs of your average person I would like to know??? Never fear, Buffy found some violet jeans she wanted and they were on sale. I went to a different store and found jeans that fit perfectly and were buy one get one free. So there, Macy's. I got two perfect pairs for almost half the price of one Macy's pair.

Hard economic times have hit the Ex's household and I don't want to be all bitter about it but it's hard not to gloat. So I think of it as just being happy and satisfied that karma has decided to right some wrongs in the world, and we'll leave it at that. Or, well, I didn't leave it at all until I'd given a mighty smug look and tried not to laugh at the desperate excuses for not paying child support, leaving the smug, defiant smile on my face just long enough (without saying a word) that he was thoroughly pissed off and stomped back into his house. Okay, that's gloating, right? Musn't do that. I'll just smile at how karma works, and that's all.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends out there. I hope troubled times stay far far far away from all your lives and I want everyone to have a wonderful, love-filled Holiday.

So yes, Spike was officially hired at Circuit City today, and yes, I had heard that it might be going out of business. Spike was hired as a holiday worker, but was also told that they would be keeping some people after the holidays. The thing is, he's been turning in applications for months now. It's a rough time for kids to look for jobs here, there are too many laid off adults looking for any kind of work. We have a Circuit City three miles from our house - but Spike got hired at one in Sunnyvale: 20 miles away. That's how bad the job market is. So even if he only works there for 2 or 3 months, he's happy for now. In fact, he's so happy he never asked how much he's getting paid.

Also in good news this morning, remember the awful-horrible-no-good essay I had to write for my Honors class a few weeks ago? I got it back today, and the professor (the one not impressed with my "disturbing exuberance") rightfully ripped it apart with his comments throughout the essay, changing words around, disagreeing with my thesis, basically just slamming the whole thing. My grade?

A-

So, um, whatever Professor Dude. My friend's essay was ripped apart with no grade whatsoever on it, so THAT was disturbing, heh. And anyway, I know my essay was bad, I expected a well deserved C or D. Totally shocked at my A-.

But Happy, haha.

So three bits of unexpected good news today. It's going to be a good week in America I think, and I'm really happy to go off to Volcano with Scott for my birthday this weekend. I'll still be reading and writing all weekend long, but we'll be together in a nice relaxing place.

And off to bed with me.

Today is the three year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm just having a quiet day, don't want to talk much, just want to quietly meditate with my family.

But I got a gift today.

Do you remember Pischina's Big Give? When you all helped me raise enough money to wipe out the gas/electric bill of a stranger I had been helping? I had not heard from her since her husband's death. I received this note from her today:

I am Karen, the fortunate person. I just happened to be searching my name on Google and found this. I can't thank everyone enough for the help you gave me. At that time you can't imagine what a difference it made to me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. The heat was to be turned off the next day, and you rescued me from my debt and kept me warm by paying my accumulated utility bill. What a wonderful gift I shall never ever forget. Thank you thank you thank you all. It is so so wonderful to know that there are such kind and caring people in the world! Love to you all. Karen

I needed to share this with you all. Especially on this day. My mother died on this day, but the inheritance I received allowed me to have a positive effect on Karen's life. And when I could no longer do it myself, you all finished it for me. I just wanted to make sure that all of you who helped me do this, even those who were only able to send good thoughts, know that what you did made a big difference. It makes me happy on this sad day to know that certain good things came about. Is it a coincidence that I hear from her, that she finds me, after all this time, on the anniversary of my mother's death? A coincidence is hard even for me to believe.

I wish my aunts were doing a little better with my grandmother's death, but it's their mother so it hits them harder. My grandfather is doing okay, but I am afraid he will go soon after. My grandmother was 90-1/2 years old! I am still having a hard time not remembering wonderful, loving thoughts about her, the only time I am really sad and cry is when I speak to one of my aunts. Thank you all for your good thoughts. My grandma was a pretty amazing woman - as are all grandmas! I know she is happy to see my mom again, and I know my mom is happy to see her - about as happy as my dad will not be happy to see his mother-in-law again, haha. I hope they're all getting along better in heaven than the remaining sisters are getting along down here on earth. Families. Gotta love them.

Wednesday night my grandma (my mom's mom) had a stroke, and we were told she had a 20% chance to live, but that if she ever regained consciousness she had a 0% chance of being grandma again. She wouldn't be able to walk, speak, or feed herself ever again.

Last night she finally passed away. We were upset and sad since Wednesday, but today is better. You can't be sad that someone lived a very very long and happy life. And we're happy that things didn't drag out over weeks or months. We don't have to wonder if she can hear us or not. It's just over. So we are grateful.

Just wanted to let you all know that that's what's going on, I won't be posting but I am okay and we will all be okay. My grandma's father sailed here from Italy when he was a teenager. My grandma didn't learn English until she was seven years old. She had four chlidren, all girls. She had seven grandchildren (six of them girls!) and I'm not sure how many great-grandchildren (but almost all girls). She lived an active life at home and traveled a lot with her husband and one of their daughters until the day of her stroke. She gave a lot of good things to the world. We will all miss her, but you just can't be sad.

Today I have these horribly ugly bruises all up and down the inside of my upper arms. It looks like someone grabbed me and shook me real hard. They are actually the most horribly disgusting bruises I've ever seen but I can't hide them because it's summer and Hellooooo I'm not wearing sleaves.

What really happened is this.

Buffy and I went boogie boarding at Capitola Beach yesterday, and the waves were coming so fast and so strong that I was holding on to the board for dear life every time I caught one and was sent hurdling towards the beach at ungodly speeds while yelling "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT" as I tried to avoid all the little kids in the way. So that is where the bruises came from, squeezing the board so hard between my arms. "But... you're not supposed to be holding on like that, Mom," said Buffy when she saw the bruises. My reply: "I was scared."

But what happened in between actually catching the waves is the funny part. Because for most of the day Buffy and I floated out on our boards in the ocean while I teased her about sharks and slimy fish, and we untangled ourselves from the floating seaweed, and every once in awhile a nice calm little wave would come and give us a ride. But around 2pm the BIG waves came, and they came so suddenly that I could never recover from the first one.

So here we are floating, and suddenly Buffy says "MOM, Here it comes!" and she paddles away. By the time I looked behind me a huge wave was already curling above me and before I could get ready it slammed me under water and took off with my board which was hooked to my wrist so that I did about four summersaults underwater, the top of my swimdress pulled down, the skirt yanked over my head, and then the wave spit me out onto the beach still rolling around. Fat lady alert! Swimdress all inside out and over her head and rolling rolling rolling onto the sand!

I stood up, spit saltwater out of my mouth, and tried to get my board out of the water but TOO LATE, here comes another wave, meanwhile the back pull of the water is dragging me and my board back into the ocean. Tried to get settled and ready but it came too quick, tried to jump over the wave but instead was slammed back under water, summersault, summersault, top down, skirt up, the water pulling me and my board up onto the sand, spit out saltwater, try to get up, water pulls me and board back into the ocean.

Repeat.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

Good grief, by the time I was able to get out of the ocean I was panting hard, the front of my swim dress was stretched out longer than the back, I have two scrapes right above each knee, one leg was bleeding right below the knee. The arm bruises had not appeared yet.

It wasn't scary though, it was fun. Only because I am an excellent swimmer and not afraid of the ocean. Every time I pulled my skirt down off my head I kept thinking "These beach people are probably having the time of their lives laughing at the fat lady rolling around in the water" but I didn't really care, I was having fun. And I'm much more athletic than I appear at the moment, so even when I was actually getting loose from the water I still kept running back out and trying to get back on the board - normal fat ladies don't do that, only crazy athletic fat ladies try to take on the ocean, heh.

Well, the ocean won. Beat me black and blue and sent me home bleeding with sand filling areas it didn't need to ever fill.

Good times.

Messing with The Buff again

Today I took Buffy to the drug store to get some cleaning supplies but I also got a couple bottles of Sangria, and then we passed through the Halloween aisle - because didn't you know that Halloween was just around the corner? or in another 7 weeks, close enough. Anyway, there were a bunch of wigs there, and they were cheap, so I told Buffy to pick some out. She said she didn't need any wigs. I told her well they're cheap, so why not? Plus, I already picked out two. She looked in the basket to see my white blond bob and my "perky blonde" wig. Her body language immediately started saying "Dear Lord, here we go again."

"What are you going to do with these wigs, Mom?" she asked, tiredly and suspiciously.

"I'm going to put them on, get a big glass of Sangria, and start cleaning the kitchen."

Buffy sighed.

Me: "Actually, I figured I would start impersonating Renny from Big Brother, so I need some wigs and sparkly eye shadow. You have any sparkly eye shadow I could borrow?

Buffy: No.

Me: Yes you do, that's all you have is sparkly eye shadow.

Buffy: No. I don't.

And she just stared down at the wigs in the basket as if her life had all come to this. She looked tired, so so tired.

And I laughed. And put the blue wig and another long blonde one into the cart.

We got home and it's too damn hot to clean the kitchen OR to wear a wig, but I'll get to it soon enough.

Or as soon as some of her friends come over.

Okay, I'm home! Now we rest for a bit, then I go right back to Aptos.

And The Crab Pot it was!

Seattle - Wednesday

Today we slept in until 9am and then had breakfast. Then we actually got in our car and drove (first time since we got here on Sunday night!) to the Fremont Area. We walked all around, took pictures of the artwork and statues, went to some silly shops and a really nice guitar shop, "Dusty Strings" which was AWESOME. We're probably going to go back to the shop tomorrow and go home with a nice percussion instrument or two. The kids actually want one of their beautiful wooden harps, but at prices ranging from $2000 - $4500, I'm thinking not. We also saw the Fremont Troll and took lots of pictures.

After a really nice lunch at Cafe D'Arte we drove over to the Woodland Zoo and spent the rest of the afternoon there. It's a really small zoo (compared to San Diego) but really beautiful, and I loved the nighttime animal exhibit. I dare say these animals generally look happier than those at the SD Zoo and their habitats also looked a little nicer. Not to take away from the SD Zoo, I'm just stating my opinion from what I've seen.

Now we're taking a rest, then we'll find a place for dinner (we're thinking The Crab Pot but we're still playing everything by ear), then who knows.

Tomorrow we're waking up early, going to do the Underground Tour, visit the Old Curiosity Shoppe, and start for home.

There are a few pics on Flickr, but the majority that we've been taking, and all the nice ones, are on my digital camera. We'll get those up after we get home. That is if Buffy doesn't leave the camera somewhere like she did today at the guitar shop. Oops.

Today we spent at Pike Place Market. We walked all over for FIVE HOURS. I am burning calories this week, that's for sure. All our legs and feet are aching, but we just rest for 1/2 hour or so and continue on. We're little Seattle Energizer Bunnies. We bought some watercolor paintings, tie-dyed T-shirts, chocolate covered cherries, dried flowers, cherry salsa, raspberry-jalapeno and peach-chipotle jellies, lots of specialty spices... and on and on. We continued on until we were dragging our bags as well as our poor little feet. I have a little tiny blister on one of my little toes - it's cute and doesn't hurt yet, haha.

Our tasting tour was great too, and I recommend that for visitors. If anything it takes you around the Market and brings you to some interesting places you may not have noticed - trust me, we walked that place for 5 hours and still never came close to seeing it all. During the tour we had fresh fried donuts, cheeses, piroshkies, coconut pie, clam chowder, some tea... I can't even remember it all. Buffy couldn't even eat all her samples.

We had dinner at Dos Amigos (wow, cheapest Mexican food EVER and very delicious!) and the kids decided to forgo the concert I had bought tickets for (only $10 each). We've managed to walk everywhere from our hotel, haven't got into the car once. But the concert is too far to walk to and the streets aren't really visitor friendly - lots of construction, lots of one-way streets with only tiny warning signs, we've even seen one car get stuck going the wrong way... I felt sorry for them. But anyway, Spike doesn't feel real comfortable driving the two miles to the concert. So they just went out walking around some more over by the Space Needle. I had no idea when I booked this hotel that we'd be able to walk everywhere, I feel really lucky.

Tomorrow is an open day, but we have ideas on our list: The Woodland Zoo, a walking tour of the Fremont area, the Underground Tour, the Pacific Science Center. We should be able to get 2-3 of those items in tomorrow.

For now it's time to watch the Olympics.

This evening we walked back down to the Space Needle and had dinner at Sports Burgers (BBQ Chicken Sandwiches and Jojos for me and Buff, Kobe Burger for Spike) where we were able to watch three different channels of Olympics on the TVs. So we got to watch swimming, boxing, men's gymnastics and... synchronized diving? What the hell? Is this new or have I just not noticed it before?

BlueSleepy left a comment about The Crab Pot - and Spike had already found that place on the internet earlier today, but we didn't think we were hungry enough for it. We are going to try to fit it in sometime before we leave though, so thanks BlueSleepy for the confirmation!

Then we went up to the Space Needle for the Night View portion of our ticket. Very nice. We walked a bit around the little amusement park after, and the Pacific Science Center which we'll visit later on (there's a live butterfly exhibit where we are told you can walk in and they land on you).

Everyone is having a really good time, the kids want to stay an additional week to see more things. Seattle is so far a really big hit with them. Well, there was a little bit of time when Buffy tried hard to pull her disappearing act at the Experience Music Project, and was being quite a b-i-t-c-h about it, but that place is so huge there was no way I was letting her out of my sight - no matter how hard she tried. But except for that one bit, she's been really good and happy and cheerful.

Tomorrow we get up early for our tasting tour at Pike Place Market, and we'll be spending most of the day in that area.

Seattle - Monday

Today we've done:

Top Pot Doughnuts
Duck Tour
Space Needle
Science Fiction Museum
Experience Music Project
Greek Food
Coffee Coffee Coffee

And it's only 5pm.
In Seattle there is a coffee shop every three storefronts, and Starbucks are located about every 50 yards, no kidding. But there are also about a thousand book stores here and books in every coffee shop, even the DOUGHNUT SHOP had a 20 foot ceiling with walls covered in floor-to-ceiling bookcases.

We're having a great time and Buffy wants to move here. But then again, she always wants to move to wherever we visit. Some pictures are on Flickr, but most of them are still on my digital camera until we get home.

We're in Seattle!

We made it, in 16 hours after sitting in traffic for 2 hours in Washington. You can see pictures at Flickr. I'm using my digital camera to take most of our pictures but sending camera-phone pics to Flickr so you can see real-time updates.

We're off to do the Duck Tour right now, then the Space Needle, then possibly the Market. We had a good night's sleep so we're ready to go!

And we're off! We're taking photos with my camera but I'll also send some by camera-phone to Flickr so ya'll can keep up with us.
:-)

Don't worry so much everyone, I am used to only getting 4-5 hours a sleep a night. I figure we can get our 3 hours, and take turns sleeping during the day while Spike and I trade off. So no one worry!

I'll have my camera so we'll take lots of pictures, and I'll take some with my phone so you can see them immediately.

Vacation almost here

So I don't know what possessed me to schedule a vacation during the Olympics, my very favorite time of (every two) year(s). We have the DVR set to record some of it, but with 8 hour chunks of broadcast it's going to be hard. We'll watch it in Seattle anyway, some of it. The opening ceremonies last night were INSANE. I LOVED them - but then again, I ALWAYS love that part. But I do think that China put on one of the best shows ever.

Today will be spent packing and shopping and packing and preparing. Then we get maybe two hours sleep (because I can't get to sleep before 1am and neither can Spike) and we're hoping to be on our way by 4am. Maybe Buffy can drive a little (HAH).

I bought Spike a pretty nice GPS system with bluetooth and everything, and having never had a GPS system before, I now totally want his. This is his present for his 18th birthday, and I didn't mind spending a good bit since for his actual graduation he only wanted a skateboard (it takes a while for a boy's brain to grow I guess). I had no idea these GPS things were so cool though. We drive around and it shows where every bank, restaurant, doctor's office, gas station, etc is???!!!!! AWESOME.

So we're taking it with us to Seattle and I think it will come in very very handy.

Anyway, I'm just procrastinating here. I have packing to do!!!

This is all for Lanie:

You can get Rock Band for 360, I just saw it available on Amazon.
I still got everything for PS2 because I don't want to pay $400 for a PS3, especially considering our last two PS2s were stolen. I had to buy ANOTHER PS2 which was luckily bundled at a great deal with Sing Star. So we have SingStar Pop and the 90s one, but I want the 80s one too. And Rock Band was on sale for $99 for the PS2. So that's why I bought it all now.

The problem with Sing Star is... unlike Guitar Hero where when you play it you sound like the most awesomest Rock Star musician... Sing Star just gives bad singers a microphone. And trust me, I don't believe them for one little second when Sing Star rates me a "Super Star" or "Lead Singer" or whatever. Sing Star is obviously deaf, because I cannot sing.

But Lanie CAN sing. Remember Lanie when you called me and sang Amazing Grace? For everyone else - Lanie sings like an angel. She probably rocks on Sing Star.

And on to my new addiction: Sing Star

With Rock Band in the mail to us right now.

WOOOOO!!!

So I can't pump my own gas in Oregon AND they have lower speed limits - that's going to be a bummer, heh. Thank goodness for cruise control that allows you to forget how fast you're going (or not going).

And Washington is hands-free cell phone while driving - which is just like it is in California too. I already have my hands-free thingie, but I don't plan on needing it while driving then anway.

Anyone else knows any laws I need to know, please post it here!

Slight revision of trip (driving part)

Okay, now the plan is to leave at 4am and drive through... hopefully getting there around 7pm. It will be a long drive but Spike and I can trade off since it's daytime driving and I think we'll be okay. I may even get one of those traveling DVD players for the car to keep the kids quiet so I can listen to my own music.

Flying was out for the days we are traveling. If we could have changed days we could have gone for $450, but the days we're traveling were $750. Gas should only be $350. So driving it is, this time.

I'm glad someone told me that you're not allowed to pump your own gas in Oregon. Who knew such a thing existed?? I can see me calling Scott from an Oregon jail, incarcerated for pumping my own gas, asking him to please come get the kids. I can also hear their father's response to my call: "It's your weekend."

Anyway, 4am - 7pm sounds do-able and we'll get enough sleep to prepare for the next few days.

Algae = Dead

So my brand new little pool started growing a little algae on the bottom of it. The water was crystal clear otherwise, but had a little green grossness on the bottom. So Spike bought a brush and I stuck it into the water... and who knew algae just dissolves into a cloud of green at a touch?

Well, let me tell you that when brushed around, the little bits of green setting quietly on the bottom of the pool suddenly became huge billowing clouds of dark green grossness, completely darkening my pool and turning the entire thing geen. GROSS.

Google-Google-Google

Chlorinated the FUCK out of the pool last night, there was no way anything was going to survive the chemicals I poured in there.

This morning... no more green! Just some milky clouds which I hear are the DEAD algae. Which, when you know what it is, is still GROSS (dead algae???) but at least looks better. Bought some water clarifier at the store today and it's slowly becomeing beautiful again.

Death to all algae. That's MY pool, no algae allowed!!!!!

So I've been stressing a little about this long trip, not the trip part but the 15 hours driving part, and how we were going to work this out without either arriving in Seattle at midnight or me driving all through the night and falling asleep at the wheel at 10am. Or being cranky and irritated for the rest of the trip.

So now the plan is to leave on the Saturday around 6pm, arrive in Medford, Oregon or thereabouts around midnight, stay in some cheap dirty motel, and then back on the road around 7 or 8am. We would then arrive in Seattle around late afternoon.

We'll probably do the same on the way home, leaving in the afternoon, staying in a cheap motel on the way home, and then arriving back home the next afternoon. This extends the driving part of the trip and the being away from home part, but will greatly lower the stress level and the likelihood of me plowing into a tree.

Spike has offered to help drive, and I'll let him, but he doesn't understand how tiring long trips can be so I'd never be able to sleep with him at the wheel. But we'll see how it goes.

It almost made the $900 train trip seem worth it, but it's still a few hundred dollars cheaper to drive. We'll work it out. We'll need a vacation to get over our vacation but I'll have 2-1/2 days of rest before it's back to work.

The main reason I'm worried is my mistrust of Mapquest's time estimating. I drove to Medford long ago with a boyfriend and his brother (rotten boyfriend, but his brother was driving up to surprise his 9 year old boy on his birthday, and it was one of the most touching things I've ever seen) but anyway it took us 12 hours just to get to Medford. This included enough rest stops that I thought I was driving with two 4-year olds instead of 2 grown men, but I just don't want to end up driving 24 hours straight. So a motel stay is what it's going to be.

Thank you thank you for all your travel suggestions! Keep them coming!

Annie, I was thinking about you earlier. I have a friend in San Diego who I ALWAYS miss seeing when I go there, and I assume that you aren't near Seattle or you would have said something, right? Because that would be tragic if you were right down the street from us and we didn't know.

Also, yeah, Mapquest actually said 13hours 40 minutes. So add in the gas stops and food stops and it should take a good 15 hours. I was thinking about leaving at 4-5am, but now I'm thinking maybe leave around 11pm the night before... maybe napping all day Saturday, then taking one nap break on the way there. We'd get there in the afternoon, the kids could explore while I slept at the hotel. And then we'd be ready for dinner. We have nothing lined up until around 10am the next day when I booked a duck tour. Later in the week I got some concert tickets for the kids on a Tuesday night at an all ages venue, El Corazon. They'll get to go see Matt Pryor (of The Get Up Kids and The New Amsterdams) and Chris Conley (of Saves The Day). I don't know who those people are but their MySpace music sounded nice and Buffy has heard of them. So that will get them out of my hair while Mommy gets some sleep on Tuesday, heh. And I booked the tasting tour at Pike Place Market. Other than that, we'll be staying at 5th and Blanchard and should be within walking distance of anything we want to do.

Keep up the suggestions!

So we just decided on our vacation: Seattle

Why? Because we've never been and it will add another state to the list of places we've been. Actually two states, cuz we'll pass through Oregon. Plus... birthplace of Starbucks.

We're going to drive up, stay for three full days, and drive back. It's a 13 hour drive, around 845 miles, but the gas is actually cheaper than plane or train (Scott and I are seriously considering a train trip next year).

On our expected itinerary:
Pikes Place Market and food tour (plus Starbucks)
Woodland Zoo (with flesh eating piranhas!)
Hiram M. Chittenden Locks
Fremont
and of course the Space Needle

I found an inexpensive hotel a couple blocks from Pikes Place. I believe it includes free breakfast.

We'll be leaving in a couple weeks. Be back in time for school to start and I won't even miss a session with my personal trainer.

For a simple, non-exciting vacation, we're all three pretty excited.
:-D

I'm about to lay down some serious cussing and swearing about my bathroom toilet. But I'm going to try not to.

The (swearing) toilet has been (cussing) leaking all over my (swearing) bathroom and destroying my (swearing) bathroom floor but I have to go to Aptos this weekend, and when I finally found where the (cussing) leak was coming from [the hose] I shut off the (swearing) water to it at 1am but this morning the (cussing) tank is back FULL OF (SWEARING) WATER again so later this morning [AFTER my workout] I yanked and wrenched on the (swearing) valve again until it shut off but then when Spike tried to get the (cussing) hose off water started STREAMING out of the (swearing) (cussing) valve flooding my bathroom AGAIN, (SWEARING) AGAIN, so we both (SWEARING) yanked on the (SWEARING) valve some more while it was plugged with a (cussing) towel until finally, (SWEARING) FINALLY it appears the water is shut off.

(Oh, and Murphy? I didn't shed one tear while doing it. AND I held in the swear words. Aren't ya proud?)

But now we can't unscrew the top of the hose from the tank. But I don't even care at this point, the (swearing) water is shut off and the toilet can (swearing) sit there for the weekend until I get back. I've learned way more than I ever wanted to about toilets by googling "How to shut off water to toilet" "How to replace toilet supply hose" "How to remove toilet hose" "How to shut off main water valve" etc etc. Did you know there are even videos on the internet showing you how to turn the valve off?

So next weekend I'm sure I'll be googling "How to replace a bathroom floor" "How to tear out water damage" and "How to lay linoleum".

Fun Fun Fun.

I loved the play. I cannot wait to finish Frankenstein so I can read Dr. Jekyll. I had never seen any of the movies or plays or read the book - the extent of my familiarity with Dr. Jekyll comes from Bugs Bunny if you want the honest truth. I know, scandalous. But I really liked it and I thought the production was great. The kids knew about the same as I did, so while my son understood what was going on (and understood why one actor played Dr. Jekyll but four different actors [including one female] played, seperately and together, Mr. Hyde), my daughter was quite lost for most of the play. Her friend said he got it, but I think he was lieing, heh.

Eventually though, they all understood what was going on, and on the way home I explained the whole theme of evil being inside of us all. Then the car got quiet as everyone absorbed this thought, and re-remembered the whole play all over again.

Anyway, I can't wait to read the book, and to see how the play actually was adapted from the book for the stage. I really liked it though and we had a good time.

We are off to the San Jose Repertory Theatre to see Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Both kids and Buffy's friend are coming with me. I'm in a pretty crappy mood right now so I'm hoping a night at the theater with maybe a vodka drink will put me back right.

KOOZA!!!

I had a pretty complex, complete burglar alarm system installed today.
I am happy now.

Teenagers don't realize how suspicious it is when they show so much interest in exactly what time you will be leaving and coming home the next day.

Maybe tomorow will be Bring Your Buffy to Work Day.

Our new vacuum!
Bagless, beltless, and #1 with Consumer Reports.
We fired the maids - story for another day - so we needed a vacuum. I have two cats and two teenagers, and anyone who deals with teenagers knows that you multiple the number living with you by four to get the size of the mess they and their friends make in your house. Before the maids we were going through vacuums every six months, hence the hiring of the maids - let them deal with the cat hair and teenage mess. Heh. Anyway, I brought this beautiful purple vacuum home, vacuumed up the family room and TADAAH, it's Beautiful!

We arrived home yesterday, and I was really happy to be back and see my kids again.
Scott and I had a very nice time, I'll probably write about it later.

The one bad part - Scott and I went to walk around Old Town in San Diego yesterday because we had over six hour before our flight. And as soon as we arrived, I remembered - Fricken KIM lives right here and I have no way to get ahold of her! Blasted! Missed her again!!!

Otherwise, I am happy to be home, and very very very happy to be with my kids again.

Charleen wants you all to know that she is more tired than I am, and gets less sleep too. So everyone take out your violins and play for her now.
:-)

I wrote about our cruise, TADAAAAAH.

Today my mom got a jury summons in the mail.

I don't think she's going to make it.

I can hear her now, "Oh Pischyyyyyy...." Sorry Mom. Also, I'm totally NOT cooking Thanksgiving turkey this year either.

This entry brought to you by the You-Only-Get-It-If-You-Know-Me Foundation.

And now I go back to not reading Midsummer's Night Dream. What? I just watched the movie Sunday afternoon, I'm good.

I'm back, I'm just taking time to adjust to reality again. I had heard there is a depression after a cruise, but I didn't really believe it. It's just SO nice and relaxing and fun and easy on a cruise, then you're kind of jolted back to life...
No more waves rocking you to sleep
No more meals waiting three times a day, right on schedule
I had to go grocery shopping yesterday
I have to MAKE MY OWN FOOD???

Blah.

We did have fun though. Except the zip lines, I did not like the zip lines at all, I will never do zip lines again, I HATED THE ZIP LINES.

Mexico I loved though.

I'll talk more about it later. Howdy!

In 12 hours I'll be on a plane to LA. The time is finally here. We're happy, excited, and packed.

I hope everyone stays safe and has a good week, and I mean that.

Adios!

Four days until the cruise...

Now my tummy needs to settle down and not feel like it's eating itself from the inside. Uggggh. Must be all better before cruise!

PHBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Ever since last evening I stopped being excited and started being freaked out about the plane again. I just get freaked about leaving the kids. I said lots of Love You's to them this morning, and wrote them an I Love You note that is on the fridge and Spike gave me a hug goodbye - Buffy ran out the door for summer school before I could get a hug and probably doesn't even remember I'm leaving. But that's okay, I love her anyway. Just freaked out. I don't want anything to happen and I don't want to leave them.

I know everything will be okay, it's just that I don't really know everything will be okay. I'll be happy when the plane lands. Both times.

I went summer clothes shopping today - Sears had great sales, I got all kinds of stuff for really cheap!!! Everything was $7 - $9 each! AND... I got the CUUUUTEST two bathing suits EVAH. I mean, ya'll know I'm not taking a picture and posting it here, but they are so cute I almost want to take a picture and post it here. Even Buffy, "Hater of everything to do with Mom", her first reaction was: "Wow, that's cute!"

Phoebe does not jump or run, and she is starting to be way more interested in Pischina-kitty's food than her own, but otherwise she seems fine in the head. Only she's not appreciating the heat at the moment. She looks kind of like: I got well for this??

I also got a few more workout clothes, and guess what - I finally get to go to the gym in the morning!!! I have been having bad traffic issues since summer started so I pushed my work hours to later in the day and instead I'll go to the gym in the mornings - there's no traffic going towards the gym. Since Phoebe is doing better I can leave her for longer, plus Spike is home from school and Buffy will be home next week. So the kitties will almost never be alone.

Finally I feel some relief for the first time since school ended and Phoebe got sick. I am 50% confident now that Phoebe will not get sick again since it's now been around five days. I think the vet will be checking on her later this week - and I think she'll be very surprised to see a fat fluffy kitty for the first time. At any rate I am very happy that life is getting back to normal. And that I can finally get to work on my body. WOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yay for well kitties!

More photos

And Phoebe on top of Fiona's cage when she was little:

http://pischina.diaryland.com/images/phoebeandfiona1.jpg

Buffy having to stand in the corner for one hour without talking:

http://pischina.diaryland.com/images/corner.jpg

I had a dream last night that we had boarded the ship and I had already lost track of the kids, I didn't know where my room was, I couldn't find it because I kept running into dead ends on the ship, and then I realized I had forgotten our birth certificates so we couldn't get off the boat in port.

I suppose I'll have 55 more dreams about this until we actually do board.

Last night I booked a cruise to Mexico for me and the kids. It doesn't really even seem real. I'm kind of excited, kind of not believing we're really going to go.

So August 5 we'll be leaving from Long Beach on the Carnival Pride. We cruise south for two more days, then dock at Puerto Vallarta where we're going to go horseback riding, even swimming across a river on horseback. And feed ostriches. The next day we dock at Mazatlan, we're going to shop and spend time at the beach. The next day we dock at Cabo San Lucas where we're going to Snuba Dive.

I've never rode a horse that I can remember, and I've never Snuba'd or Scuba'd or Snorkeled. I think we're going to have a lot of fun, even though I can't QUITE imagine that we're really going to do this.

Maybe I can talk Charleen into going with us...

We saw Grindhouse on Saturday, and it was Awesome. If you like that kind of stuff. Which I do.

I brought my kids and two of their friends and Scott two. I went to the ticket booth (first in line when it opened!) and asked for six for Grindhouse. The ticket guy looked at the four kids surrounding me and started laughing and shaking his head. I asked him why he was laughing, and he said "Well. Grindhouse is quite a family movie!" And I laughed too. I also told him that it was me who was dieing to get to the theater.

Anyway - Chick with a machine gun for a leg. Tell me that's not awesome.

Spring Break has been spent picking up the house and watching TV.
Tomorrow: Las Vegas

This morning I took Spike to re-take his exam for his driving permit and this time he passed with flying colors. He's a very happy boy. Driving lessons won't start until April 21 though.

Buffy is grounded for bad grades and skipping class, so there's a lot of her around the house this week. heh.

So tomorrow I work until 11am, then Scott and I are flying to Las Vegas. We're going to check into the Bellagio and rest a bit, go eat dinner, and then go see... "O" again! WEEEEEE!!!!!!! Scott has never seen a Cirque du Soleil show and I convinced him to come to LV with me to go see it. He's going to love it. We're both very excited about the trip. We have a lakeview room so we can watch the Bellagio water show all evening. And we'll never have to leave our hotel so I can pretend I'm not even IN Las Vegas! (haha) Thursday we'll be up early like we usually are, probably get some coffee and a croissant or something, and then fly back home.

We'll be gone only 24 hours. Exciting, no?

Friday I go back to work and then off to Aptos to be with my Honey for the weekend. Yayyy, my favorite thing to do, even more than seeing "O".

At the moment I'm watching Hard Candy, which,......

HEEEEEEE. Awesome. This is quickly turning into my favorite movie EVAH.

Today we woke up and the sun was shining SO BRIGHTLY through the hotel window and I felt really relaxed and didn't feel like rushing to see another movie. I just wanted to drink coffee in my room, do my archaeology research on my computer, and go have breakfast when the kids woke up. And that's what we did. Today was 80 degrees outside and I really couldn't see spending the day inside a dark theater. So the kids went off to a birthday party (that was turning into a pool party) and I cam home to do my archaeology project. Tonight (in an hour actually) we're leaving to see the Closing Movie and party, but I really don't even want to do that. I would totally skip it if Spike didn't really really want to go. It's always like this after 12 days of film festival - as much as you want to continue seeing movies that you'll never get another chance to see... you still want to have your life with sunshine and quiet and a nice comfy couch. And kitties in your lap.

If I'm lucky, Spike will say we can skip the movie and go to the after party only. But we'll see how that goes. As it is, I have no idea how I'm going to finish this Archaeology paper by 5pm tomorrow.

But we sure did have fun the last 12 days!

I have been spending every free moment on school work trying to not only keep up but also do a little extra because busy times are a-coming.

Tomorrow afternoon the kids and I are driving to Monterey and will spend the night because at 7am we will be at this race. Yes, as competitors. In the 5K and I'm really happy and excited. I have no plans on coming in anywhere near the front of the pack, but I expect the kids to do very well in their age groups. Also, it's supposed to rain.
:-(
I'm bringing all my school books with me, there'll be lots of reading over the weekend.

And on February 28, CINEQUEST FILM FESTIVAL STARTS AGAIN!!! WHOOOOOOOT!

And that means twelve days of movie watching, and that means I better be more than on top of my school work.

School is killing me. But I'm getting through it. And I really am loving all my classes this semester - even though Spanish Class is a BITCH.

The emails I owe people are piling up. This is my allotted two minutes to play around, so they are going to still pile up. I promise to get back to you.... somehow...
I am a very bad email friend to these people:

Kim <3
Kat <3
Jenny P <3
(My)CATherine <3
Jon <3
And probably Meg because I always owe her an email... <3<3
And Catie - I just read about 100 back entries and still didn't catch up... <3
And various other readers whose names escape me at the moment...

I love you all...

~~~ As for Anna Nicole Smith... I never liked her, at all, but my heart has been breaking for her since her son died. As much as everyone took advantage of her before, the taking advantage of was amped up after that. I am terribly sad for her and for her daughter - I hope somehow her daughter is taken care of... not bloody likely... but there is not one other person in her life that I have sympathy for. Everyone around her made their living off her, including her mother.
Don't get me wrong, I couldn't stand Anna Nicole Smith. But the horrible decisions she made in her life does not excuse the advantage taking by everyone around her.
Rest in Peace, Anna.

~~~ And I'm out again, probably for another long break. See ya.

I totally forgot this part... The Adult Video awards were this weekend in Las Vegas. And we were told they were staying at our hotel. There certainly were a lot congregating in lobby when we arrived - I guess their "convention" had just let out (Saturday Night). Sunday night was their "Academy Awards". We did see a lot of hootchies. I must say I didn't see anything remotely beautiful. Buffy walked around behind them all saying "Old Porny, Old Porny, Old Porny."

Spike kept quiet and just took in whatever sights he could.

Back home, yayyyyy

We are back home safe and sound.
We had a very good time, even though I hated the traffic and the crazy taxis and the city planning that requires you to walk a mile just to get across the street... or even next door.
It was 20 F at night, and 36 F during the day - walking in and out of 70 F casinos and the 30 F cold has given me a terrible cold.

But we did have fun.

We saw Cirque du Soleil "O", which was the most incredible thin I have ever seen. In Buffy's words: "That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life, and it's probably the most amazing thing I ever WILL see." And she's probably right. If any of you ever go to Las Vegas, do whatever you can to go see that show. It made our whole trip worth it - I would pay $1000 each to see it again.

We saw Phantom of the Opera. It was the most excitement I've had in 20 years. In a terrifying sort of way. If you click that link, then click "The Show" and scroll down you will see the massive chandelier that the kids and I were sitting directly under. In our incredibly expensive seats. That should have had a "heart problem" warning on the tickets. That Chandelier comes crashing down ON US near the end of the play, stopping mere feet above our heads. From 60 feet above. The three of us were swearing for hours after the show, and my heart still thumps when I think about it. Overall... I thought the tickets should have been more like $50 - it wasn't that special... the chandelier had incredible effects and was scary and beautiful as heck, but I wasn't that impressed with the show. On the other hand, opera is not my thing. Buffy liked it, Spike liked some parts and was bored with others (the singing parts).

We saw Nathan Burton, magician. I was not impressed. Neither was Spike, who does magic tricks himself. In fact, Nathan performed one trick that Spike had just purchased at the local Magic Shop down the street. I paid $27 for each of our tickets to see magic that my son and Buffy's friend have done themselves. Plus, the show was less than an hour long, and 15 minutes of it were video clips of "celebrities" (like Emmanuel Lewis! Oooh!) telling us how great Nathan is, that he's the "new David Copperfield". Some of the tricks were cool, but if my son can do most of them, I don't want to pay more than $10.

Overall though, we did have a nice family weekend. We loved our room at the Venetian, we survived our plane rides, we survived our taxi rides, and I was very very very very very happy to leave Vegas and come home.

So yesterday I opened up a Savings Account... something I didn't have before because there was nothing to save... and I had to put my money into all these different areas, CDs and savings, and high interest accounts, blah blah blah... and this is not even including the bulk of the inheritance which the Financial/Investment Person (whatever he's called) will go over with me next month...

And this morning I checked my online bank account and see I've already earned, on one day with only a tiny portion of the inheritance, several dollars interest. So I calculated the lowest interest rate I would get with all the money...

And I'm going to earn more than $10,000 a year in interest.

And I just about started crying. For reals.

Because... Wha- ?

Also... as nice as this is now - and sort of non-real and unbelievable - why is it so easy for rich people to earn money but when you have none there is virtually no way to get some? Why should I be able to just sit here and earn money in my bank doing nothing but a couple years ago I was sending the kids to neighbors' houses to eat dinner?

It's a very strange feeling.

And for the record, yes, I've already donated mucho dollars to my own favorite charities. And I'll continue to do so. If you think I'll ever forget where I used to be, well, you haven't been reading very long.
:-)

The car, it is SOLD.

The money, it is in my purse.

...the bank was already closed, but it will go in at 9am tomorrow.

WOOOOOO.

Sale of the Car

So yesterday I found out there were some "problems" with getting the faxed legal papers to my sister, so they weren't able to fax them back to the lawyer, which means I couldn't sell the car, which means:
A. The buyer can change his mind at any time
B. If I don't get my money out of that car by Saturday we are in deep deep trouble.

Sister's husband said not to worry, because if the buyer backed out, they would take the car.
Not really a good thing, since:
A. Then it stays in my driveway until they decided to come all the way from Colorado to get it.
B. The Estate needs the money from the sale to continue paying the bills until the house is sold.
C. I wouldn't get my money out of the car until Probate was over.
D. That's fucking bullshit after I've put so much time into getting the stupid car sold, especially the part where I PAID THE LOAN OFF WITH MY OWN MONEY. "Oh, don't worry, we want the car." My ass.

I was furiously sending emails back and forth to my sister's stupid husband, who swears no fax ever came through, even though the lawyer had the verification that it did.

I was seriously having a panic attack yesterday, like I was really worried about myself, my pulse was through the roof and I kept having to stop and think "Take a deep breath... BREATHE..." All night long.

I had managed to get lost in some TV show and was calming down when Spike asked about the car. I told him what was going on, and to please not mention it because I was going to have a stroke if those papers didn't get signed by today, and I needed to somehow forget about it. I was afraid I would be up all night worrying about it, or go to bed and have a heart attack from the stress.

Eventually though, I managed to go to sleep.

I got to work, and around 9am the lawyer called, said the papers had been signed and faxed back.

I almost screamed YAYYYYY into the phone. Yes, I was a bit on edge, heh.

I emailed the buyer right away. We're going to complete the sale tonight. OhmyGosh that's the best news I've heard. Right down to the wire. No, it wouldn't have been a problem if I had just not paid off the loan, but I had to in order to sell the car and the fact is, it was my money and I need that money. Who knew it would be so hard to sell a Prius??

"Oh don't worry, we'll take the car." Yeah right, and bill the estate another $2000 to fly your entire family back out here, and then all the gas and hotel costs to drive it back to Colorado, right? I'm so sick of that family.

I went to the lawyer's office yesterday and signed papers regarding the sale of the car. Now they fax to my sister, she signs and faxes back. Then I can get my money. WOOOOOO. I need to buy school books and parking passes and take the kids school shopping. The money will arrive just in time.

Nothing much else going on. I thought I had something else to come here and say, but can't think of it.

I'll say this though, even though she reads this, I miss Charleen. She's really busy with her own life problems - and she has more than I do this time - but I miss seeing her and laughing and talking with her. Sometimes life gives us too many problems, and between the two of us I think we've had enough. Even though my biggest problems are almost over, my parents are still dead, and that won't change. I'd still give back every cent and go back to being poor if I could have my parents back. I'd give it all back just to let Charleen have a healthy family too.

Ah well, now I've depressed us all and I really wasn't depressed, I'm feeling good and happy today. But you know, sometimes you miss your friends, and sometimes you wish Life wasn't as hard as it sometimes is. That's all.

So I actually emailed my sister about the price of the house bid and the car, and she actually emailed right back and said it was fine. Even the lawyer was concerned about her, he said "I know her husband probably thinks that car is gold plated 1.2 million dollars worth," but she finally came through with some sense. Or her stupid ass husband wasn't there to talk nonsense to her, one or the other. Or she actually took her meds and can behave like a normal person. Whatever.

Of course, she hasn't actually SIGNED anything, but hopefully that will be done quickly. And hopefully this guy comes over today and says he wants the car. That will be the very best part.

Is all this really almost over?

We got a very reasonable bid on the house which I am completely happy with, now we just need to get my sister's approval.
I have a guy coming today to look at my mom's car, and he seems very interested in it. He also lives close to me, which makes the whole probate thing easier.

Now I just have to finish their taxes, and if the above all goes through, we will be all done.

oh yeah, in case I forget, or in case anyone thinks the EX is some fantastic sort of father...

Buffy told me that at swim finals, he told her there was no heaven and no hell and when people died they just winked out and were gone forever.

Buffy's friend confirmed to me that he made Buffy cry, and the friend started crying too because she was so sad for Buffy. And of course, the EX had no idea what he had done.

WHAT kind of monster would do that to their children??? The kind that has no brain, and no feelings, and no soul, and this is an example of the stuff he put me through when we were married. I see him fooling so many people at the pool, but when i comes down to it, he's just a stupid monster pretending to be human.

What I never mentioned is that our church pastors (husband and wife) retired today. I think they've been at our church for like 20 years, and they've been my pastors since Spike was baptized at 11 months old. They've seen us through a lot, two kids growing up, a divorce, money problems, the house burning down, getting the kids to church camp, two deaths in a year - even when we had to put our cat down - on and on and on and on... and now they won't be at church anymore.

And I was so upset about it, not only have I chosen to ignore that fact for the last six months but I couldn't even bring myself to go to their retirement today. I just couldn't. I couldn't say good bye to any more people in my life. I don't even know if they are going to still worship at our church, or if they're moving away or what, and I can't bear to ask. I even had nightmares about them leaving in the last couple weeks, heh.

So anyway. This weekend I've kind of been a wreck. It's just more people we're close to who are leaving. It makes life kind of hard.

The word is that Belle and Prince the Poodle are getting along fine so far, even eating out of the same dish, and Prince can't wait to play with Belle (who is not quite ready for that yet).
I am so happy and relieved that Belle is going to finally have a happy life!

Things I still have to do:

Meet some HOA inspector at my mom's house tomorrow morning
Empty out what's left in her garage
Get my parents' taxes done
Get a couch out of storage so I have a place to sit
Make an appointment with an eye doctor so I can get new glasses - I've somehow LOST my glasses ?!?!?!!!
Make an appointment with a dentist because I've chipped a tooth and pretty soon it's gonna go bad.

I think that's it. Omigod. I actually only have six checks left?? And one of them is done tomorrow? That's fantastic!!! Oh yeah, there's also a dog problem, forgot about that for a sec. Heh. Anyone want a free Bijon Friche? No really, she's free, great with kids, and you'll love her. OH, also I have to still switch a bank account of my mother's. And that's a pretty high priority. Funny how I forgot the two most important things, heh.

But that's it! So... eight checks total. That makes me happy.

So now the house cleaners are at my mom's house and they're charging a fantastic $150 to deep clean the entire house, and I personally think this is a good deal.

However I have had to write out two additional checks to the carpet cleaners who keep finding "problem spots" that need fixing, and are supposedly saving me "$850", and today I told them that if there are any more problem spots don't bother calling me because I'm not writing any more checks out.

For every check off my list and check has been written out. Selling a house is expensive I'm telling you.

House entirely empty of furniture... Check!
Carpets being cleaned and shampooed as I type this... Check!
House ready for sale... CHECK!

Today is one year since my father died.

Arranged to have my convertible towed and donated, and my jeep that's in my mother's garage towed and donated, today... Check!
Arranged for the carpet cleaners to come to mother's house on Monday... Check!!!

Now Charleen and I will work on emptying the house of furniture this weekend, and I have to get their taxes done. Oh, and sell the car. heh.

But we're almost there. Almost Almost Almost.

Just to clarify that whole thing, it's not just a mental thing, it's really my whole body having problems every month. I don't know if it's menopause (at 39?) but my entire body feels really wierd, like tingles, and swelling, and burning, and a heaviness in my chest, and headaches. Combine that with these horrible rages that I have while barely knowing what I'm doing.
See? I need help, heh. I need to see a doctor.

Maybe Dr. Seuss can help me

I've been having extreme mental/emotional problems alongside my period every month for the past 2 years. And it kind of has to stop. I can't have a breakdown every month, even if my parents did both die - they were alive last year and this was still a problem. I am finding myself just unable to cope with anything for these couple days a month. I'm going to make an appointment for the doctor next week, and I seriously may have to ask for some antidepressants. Scott will freak, but I seriously need some help.

The light at the end of the tunnel is finally showing, and all the work from the past few months is actually almost finished, for real. Although, I still don't have the furniture out of the house, and if it doesn't get out soon there's going to be another panic attack, but it looks like Charleen has a lead on that so we'll cross our fingers.

I finished my essay last night, and now I believe all I have left is a long research paper on George Elliot that is due May 25. That doesn't make me happy, but I am completely free until then, so it will get done.

And that is it. As soon as the furniture is out the carpet cleaners will go in and the house will be ready - it's due on May 16. School is over as soon as I hand in that research paper.

And then I'm going to sit down in front of the DVD player and watch 2 entire seasons of Deadwood and Battlestar Gallactica back to back.

I spoke to the attorney today for quite awhile and we actually have most everything done now. Also, found another great amount of money sitting in yet another retirement fund. But I cannot believe we are finally almost done and I'll be able to just forget about it while the court does its work.

Just need to get the rest of the furniture out of the house so the carpet cleaners can come, and we're all set.

Tomorrow is vacation!

Confirmed reservations at the Bed & Breakfast... Check!

More checks

Started addressing graduation announcements, Check.
FINALLY FINISHED house inventory for probate, Check.
Mailed off Property Tax bill for probate, Check.

For later:
Call American Funds about balance for probate.
Call Edward Jones Trust about balance for probate.
Call attorney with more questions.
Finish graduation announcements and mail.
Go to JC Penny's and get some clothes for wedding weekend (not MY wedding, no).

I am creating a new rule. No mothers are allowed to die, ever.
This sort of applies to fathers too, especially Charleen's father.
But mothers especially. Not allowed to die. Okay, when they're 100 they can die. I think that is best, and actually, why didn't God make it that way? All mothers live to 100. That is such a great rule.

Okay, I'm better now.

Still crying sometimes

I miss my mom lots this week, and haven't been doing that great without her.
I don't know why, but there's been lots of crying. I guess part of it is because her house is almost empty now, and that sort of cuts off the last connection to a previous life where I could go visit my mother. Mother's day is coming up, and that will be my first without her. The pressure of completing everything that needs to be completed is probably getting to me still.

And yesterday I picked up my cap and gown. That was something I would have immediately called her about, so I could hear her celebrate with me, and be proud of me. And walking back to my car with the package in my hand I just got really really sad and missed her so much. She died just one semester too soon. She wanted to see me graduate so badly. And she should be here. And part of me felt that she was right there with me, but ya know, it's just not the same, I cannot hear her voice.

I miss her lots, and the cryng isn't over yet, and I'm very sad and I want my mom.

Sleeping Buffy is a Good Buffy

Buffy just had a wisdom tooth removed and she's sleeping soundly in my bed. Typical of Buffy she was terribly excited and couldn't wait to have her "surgery". She was put to sleep and it took an hour to dig out the tooth that was deep inside but blocking the tooth that needs a root canal. As soon as she has healed from this then she finally gets the root canal that caused all this trouble to begin with.

For now she's in good spirits and sleeping. Hopefully she stays that way for a while.

We are safely back home, and I just realized that my last couple posts never posted and have disappeared. Ah well.

So Saturday we woke up and had breakfast and rested, then took another last trip to Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash - "Steve-Dave" was there again, and so was Scott Mosier's dog: funny looking but incredibly sweet and loving. Spent a lot more money, took a picture of Bryan (Steve-Dave), talked with him some more, went to lunch and finally drove home.

Sunday was spent unloading my mom's house with help from Spike's friends. It's still not done, it's like a never ending hole of stuff to pack up, but I'm not overwhelmed and it's getting there, box by box.

That vacation was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. As hectic and non-restful as it was, it was finally some quality family time that got my mind off of things. I can face all the work ahead now.

When we got home my graduation packet was waiting for me. Anyone who would like an announcement, just send me your address.

I am ready to work now.

Started off at the breakfast buffet, waffles, eggs, bacon, very fresh orange juice and... Folgers coffee... blech. Heh.
Went to La Brea Tar Pits and had lots of fun... One of my favorite parts was a sign by the door to the atrium: "Birds are nesting. Beware of aggressive behavior." We couldn't wait to see some aggressive birds, especially after seeing all the condor and vulture skeletons in the museum, but all we really saw were a whole lotta turtles. I mean, turtles EVERYWHERE. They were cute, and sunning themselves. But I have never seen so many. We did have fun though, and the kids liked it, and we got more cool stuff at the gift shop, like geodes and things.
Drove to Hollywood Boulevard per request of the kids. I personally hate Hollywood Boulevard. It's just a dirty, scummy, overpriced downtown street, emphasis on dirty and scummy. The kids had an okay time, but it just made me antsy, as if we were wasting our precious little vacation time.
Drove to the Farmers Market on 3rd and Fairfax, and had a great time there. I gotta say, everything I suggested to the kids they hemmed and hawed and failed to look thrilled about, but once we were there they would have a blast. Spike didn't even want to leave the Farmer's Market, and we all wished we had just followed mom's suggestion to eat lunch there instead of walking up and down Hollywood Blvd looking for a place to eat that wouldn't require an immunization shot after. Charleen called my cell phone as we were placing an order at the candy shop, and she could hear us ordering 3 caramel apples, rocky road, chocolate haystacks, chocolate covered strawberries, etc. Heh. I got little tiny things for Charleen and Catie from the Farmer's Market - they're little but I like them a LOT, they're cute.
Went to The Grove next, an upscale shopping mall adjacent to the Farmer's Market. Had lots of fun there.

And then realized we were done right at 5:30pm - prime commute time in LA. Lovely. Took an hour to get back to the hotel.

Changed and cleaned up, and took the shuttle back to City Walk at Universal Studios. Just had time for last minute shopping and then dinner at Wolfgang Puck's. That was really good pizza.

Now we're back in the hotel again, resting up for a drive home tomorrow. Well, Buffy and I are resting, Spike is roaming the hotel grounds looking for something to do. That boy never sleeps.

And now it's time for sleep.

Dropped mega cash at City Walk in Universal Studios, but the kids got lots of good stuff, mostly clothes and Spike got some Guess cologne with free gym bag. Went to dinner at a GREAT Argentinian restaurant, LaLa's.
And now we sleep.

Tomorrow, the La Brea Tar Pits, and then Hollywood Boulevard.

In Hollywood

We're already exhausted, but having a great time. Waiting for the shuttle to arrive to take us to City Walk for shopping... The kids are so impressed that we met a movie star within 2 minutes of parking the car: Steve-Dave was working the counter at Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash. I almost cried I was so happy and excited. Buffy was devastated to hear we had JUST MISSED Kevin Smith, but we were all happy to be at the store, and Steve-Dave was pretty exciting too, and very nice. We spent way too much money there.

The shuttle is about to arrive, I must go.

Also, Buffy look MUCH better now... her face is all scabbed up but it's no longer swollen, so it really only looks like she did a face-plant skateboarding.
And we'll take lots of pictures and email them to Flickr for you all to see! So you'll know what we're doing from Thursday to Saturday!

AND, I forgot this, but we'll even have internet access there! So I can even write here too! So... I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow afternoon!

And now, I'm OUT!

WOOOOOOOOO

Registered Buffy for school, Check.
Got Honda Element back with all bells and whistles put on, Check.
Met painter at the house, Check Check Check!!!
Found correct paint color, gave him house key, arranged for him to paint next week and I don't have to be there, Check and Relief!
Took kids to mom's house and cleaned out a LOT, Check!
Went to mall to celebrate and buy Spring and Summer clothes and sandals and water bottles, Check!
Packed up car, Check!
Arranged for Salvation Army to pick up about 15 boxes on Monday, Check!

We are now... ON TRACK!!!
I only need to go buy about 15 more boxes (didn't realize there was so much stuff left in garage), throw almost everything into a box, drive it all to my house for the Salvation Army to pick up. We're going to do that on Sunday for Monday pick-up which was the earliest available so our vacation still fits in and is reasonable to take.

Now I can leave tomorrow morning at 6am and enjoy a much needed vacation and rest without feeling guilty. The kids worked hard today and deserve the vacation also. There is still much in the house, but it is control-able, and we can finish almost all of it on Sunday - and still be able to sleep-in that morning. Maybe a few short trips after work next week and I'm all done.

Thank you Thank you Thank you to Charleen from the bottom of my heart for allowing me this time off work.
Thank you to Catie and Hubby for helping start us out.
Thank you to Megs for wishing she could help.
Thanks for all your good wishes.

I can breathe now. We're going to be okay and I'll be able to finish. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And now we get ready to party in Hollywood.

Morning checks

Buffy registered for school... CHECK. and WOOOOO!

Now, get keys made for mom's house, purchase dolly, drag Spike and friend to help move.

The painter is driving me insane.

Wednesday

And now I'm feeling sick.
Doing too much, not doing enough, too much to do.

Today I spent most of the day doing my work assignments and waiting for the painter to call me.
The painter speaks no English by the way.
Or rather, he thinks he's speaking English, but he's really speaking Korean with every 50th word in English.

My car isn't ready yet, not until noon tomorrow.
I couldn't move my mom's stuff because I had to wait for the painter to call - there's no phone at my mom's house and there's no cell reception there, so I was stuck here.
I did get some stuff completed for the lawyer, and spoke to them about three times today.

We did sneak off to Circuit City real quick to get a wireless card for my laptop, then some books from Barnes & Noble to read on our trip.

The dentist called with an opening for Buffy, so we did that too. She gets a wisdom tooth pulled next week so they can get to the tooth that's hurt. I suppose that means I have to take another day off. Well, I worked 9 hours yesterday and six today, so I didn't actually take a whole week off. That didn't make things easier for me, but it was easier than actually being AT work.

So the painter finally called my cell phone when I was at the dentist with Buffy - my cell phone that barely gets reception, and we were right on the border of no cell reception at all.... so combine no reception with a Korean man pretending he's speaking English...

And what I THINK is happening... and I swear I don't know, I'm just hoping I got this right... I THINK that he's calling me tomorrow at 2pm to make meeting arrangements. I really hope I understood that.

But that at least leaves me open tomorrow to get some stuff done.

In the morning I register Buffy for school.
Take part in conference call for work.
Make copies of mother's house keys.
Drive Spike and friend to mom's house and start loading and unloading at the Goodwill.
My car should be ready at noon, pick that up.
Make sure I'm at my house at 1:30 to wait for painter to call.
Hopefully some time meet painter at mom's house to get estimate and give him a key.
Work on more probate paperwork.

If I don't get a great chunk of work done tomorrow I'm not going to be able to relax on vacation. I need to justify leaving. I think though that I can get enough done that if I finish up on Sunday, I'll have control of the situation.

Making a list, checking it twice

Took the Element in this morning to get the special parts put on... check.
Got a free rental truck from dealership so I could move stuff from my mom's... check.
Left the key to my mother's house on the keyring that the dealership has... check, and shit.
Called painter, meeting him this afternoon... check, and I guess I'll have to get that key back.
Called about registering the Buff for high school, again... check and to be completed tomorrow.
Finished two more assignments for work... check.
Spoke to attorney for quite awhile about what else needs to be done... check.

I am still stressed out about doing all this, but at least things are getting done. I think I'll feel much better after Wednesday.

Turned in the extension for my parents' taxes, so that's done.
Called the consignment place, it will probably cost more to move the stuff there than we would make on it. So that may get donated also. I have to run pictures down there tomorrow morning.
Oh yeah, at 7:30 I have to be at the Honda dealership for them to put my extras on. Just another thing to do.

Still have work-work to do. It's going to take me the next three days just to finish the work after being assigned two more nightmare jobs today. That is really really stressing me out now, but little by little I'll get things done. Once again I'm "on vacation" but still working. Bah.

I will call the painters tonight, I suppose the house doesn't have to be completely empty for them to come.

Bah, this week isn't even enough time.

Today I am cleaning out my mom's house. CatieCake is going to help me, and bringing along her poor husband too. Hopefully it won't be too much work, there's not that much left. I'm taking everything to the Goodwill. The rain won't stop here for a garage sale and the cost of storage would eat up any profit anyway. Some furniture is going to a consignment place, but we're not moving that stuff today.

It's kind of wierd packing up your parents' things to give away. I wonder about every little thing, would she want this given away? or kept?

Then I have to read a couple hundred pages and write an essay that's due tomorrow at midnight. I will be happy when all this stuff is over.

So today would have been my parents' 41st wedding anniversary.
It makes me a tiny bit happy to know my mom didn't have to go through this day alone, she never had to spend an anniversary apart from him. I know they are somewhere happy together. Of all days, this would have been a much sadder day if my mom had remained alive.

For all the stupid whining and wailing and complaining and "sobbing" and threatening over things like carved chests from China and other assorted goods that BELONG TO OTHER PEOPLE...

I realized yesterday that my sister has not once asked where my mother's ashes are. They happen to be in a box on my bookcase on a shelf with her childhood rosaries draped around it. But eventually, when it stops raining, my aunt and I are going to take the ashes to the cemetary where my father is. My sister never attended that service, so she doesn't even know where my father is. And she's never asked. So she's sobbing and screaming about a wooden chest that doesn't belong to her, but has no interest in finding out where her dead mother is, or where she's going to go.

This is why I cut off all contact with her 20 years ago. None of this is a matter of her being grief-stricken, this is just the way she has always been. And the fact that she has not once in over five months asked the whereabouts of her mother's final resting spot just proves it.

So I leave work now, clone myself, and go to my college counseling appointment and register Buffy for high school (again).

Simultaneously.

I am SuperWoman.

I woke up with a headache this morning.

Why? Could be because my sister is bringing her ill-behaved family to stay at my mother's house next week and are going to finally be packing up their stuff and leaving?

The leaving part is good, because hopefully I'll never have to see them again after that. But the staying part is bad, because:

A) I have to worry about what they're packing up and/or selling
B) I have to clean up the house when they're gone.

According to my aunt they left the house in a shambles the last time and she cleaned it herself. I need to sell this house next month, I cannot spend time cleaning juice out of the carpet and peanut butter off the walls. This is not an exageration.

Also, this means that this weekend will be spent cleaning out our own house and bringing everything we need out of my mother's house before they get here. I don't want what was supposed to be mine getting ruined by those dreadful children. Or "accidentally" getting packed up.

So this weekend I have to:
A) purchase a car (because I have to sell the Prius ASAP)
B) rent a dumpster and fill with furniture from my house
C) rent a truck and move furniture from my mother's house to mine

Fun Fun Fun.

Why couldn't I have a normal sister instead of an evil, spiteful, selfish bitch? This entire thing could have gone so much more smoothly and less stressful.

Oh, and to add even more to that list from yesterday, I also have to do my taxes AND the estate's taxes. So yeah.

Today is my mom's birthday.
So Happy Birthday Mom.
We miss you and love you, lots and lots and lots and lots.

I just miss my mom today.

Scott asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him maybe a CD of Nina Simone or Billy Holiday. So what he got me was TWO anthologies of Nina Simone, and the complete boxed set of Billy Holiday CDs and a DVD too. He's so sweet. No there was no ring, but we talked a little about marriage, and we'll talk more on New Years, our three year anniversary.

Yes, I cried my eyes out on Christmas morning because I missed my mom.

The kids had a fantastic time.

My house is finally clean, and I'm really tired. Complete Christmas story in the diary now.

I finished watching Amazing Race Season 7, and while I loved Uchenna and Joyce and I'm really glad they won - especially after she shaved her head, and did it in such a dignified way, and they were SUCH a loving couple...

I still love Rob and Amber. And I don't care, but Rob is one of my favorite "reality characters" EVER, and I'd marry him in a second (so you better hurry up Scott!) but I have a feeling that he and Amber will actually be together forever. They are awesome together.

Finished Project Runway. Loved it. Really really loved it. (BOOO Mary Pepper!)

Next DVD series: Entourage. Anyone seen it? It's only 2 discs, so if it's no good, no big deal.

So should I be worried about my lawyer (for my mother's estate) if on letters he sends out he refers to me NOT as (My first name) (My last name) but instead as (My sister's name) (My last name).

*Sighhhhhh.....*

Idiot.

Okay, I continue to be having a rough time, actually, however I am going to write some more today, and hopefully keep on through the holidays. Here are some of the points we will touch on in a journal entry to be written later today:

1. The EX is still the biggest ass/monster I have ever been stupid enough to marry.

2. My kids are the best ever kids even when I want to kill them for failing school or lieing or just for being a 13 year old girl, but my kids love their mother and I love them right back. They are good kids. You will see why.

3. I still cry an awful lot, and maybe that's to be expected, but I'm not a crying type person so this is taking some getting used to. Also, unexpected crying periods can be exhausting.

4. The EX is an ass/monster... oh, did I already say that?

Unrelated to the later-written-entry:

I dropped Spanish Saturday and immediately felt a huge weight come off my back. This brings me down to a completely do-able 11 units this semester, and so far 7 units for next semester - Cake-Walk.

I pulled my cross-stitch basket back out last night, but was missing some pieces to complete some of my projects so I'm going to Michael's later this week to get them because just the very idea of sewing again was very very very relaxing to me.

I love Scott, a lot.

And that's it for now.

Well, kind of interesting, I keep thinking "It's Friday, as soon as I go home I should call my mom... ...oh."
After all this time, it still feels like maybe it's a dream that I'll wake up from.

A good idea

You know what would make great origami paper for my Christmas Tree paper cranes?
Wrapping paper.
Origami paper can be bought cheap, but really pretty origami paper can be $1-$2 per sheet. Or can buy a whole roll of silver wrapping paper for $3 and get easily 50 cranes out of it.
Okay, now I just need some glass beads.

This will keep my mind busy and off other things until after Christmas.

Also, Mom had a great time with me at work today.

I picked up her ashes at 8am, and I sure as heck wasn't going to leave them in the car all day, so I brought them to work with me and so now she's on my desk under my little plants. In a green velvet bag that now has little colored paper cranes all over it.

She's having a good time.
:-)

Origami therapy

You know what can make you feel better?
Folding paper cranes.
I just folded a bunch from some colored pamphlets I found, and they made pretty ones.
Now I'm ordering a bunch of origami paper from Amazon.com.
We used to make origami cranes all the time when I was a kid from real japanese paper my mom and grandma would bring back from Japan.

Hey, I actually did some work today, that's pretty good, eh?

Not such a mess today

Today I feel better.
My sister leaves on a plane in 15 minutes.
My mother will not be here to make holiday cookies with the kids over Thanksgiving.
I see the probate attorney next week.
I have no mother and no parents.

But I do feel better today, I really do.

Sometimes I hate my sister so much I could just cry.

Yesterday was a pretty happy day as we celebrated the life of my mother.
Today... everyone, across the board, seems to be much sadder than before.

I am now getting an A in Algebra II. And I have no mother to tell.
See? That sucks.

The day after

Okay, the services are over, and they were beautiful and happy and I didn't even cry (no REALLY, I didn't cry once!) because they really were so happy, and the speakers were awesome and the church was filled - I mean there was easily 300 people there and possibly more. And there was food galore, the teachers brought desserts and had Pasta Pomodoro catered in, and Scott came and everyone loved him and my whole family was there and that was awesome seeing everyone especially my grandparents who are around 88 years old and don't look a day older than 70 I'm not even kidding.

And my sister is still here, until Wednesday, and no one was too impressed with her that's for sure, especially when Charleen and her husband and her parents were all running around setting everything up and helping people as much as possible while my sister was... first in the food line. But Whatever, right?

When it was over Scott and I went to Starbucks to just talk a little, haven't seen him in two weeks and really could use some time at his house but Buffy wants to go to church this morning and so do I, so Scott left last night and I need to go take a shower.

So we go say goodbye to my mom today.
It's kind of hard to believe because she was supposed to live forever.
Or at least another 10-20 years.
She was only 61.

Time for bed.
Big day tomorrow and probably lots of tears and sniffles.
I should probably drink lots of water in preparation.

I can't believe my mom is dead.

Sucky Sucky Sucky

My aunt said she would come to my graduation in the Spring.
Did I say that already?
It's not right to not have any parents at a graduation.
It is a very wierd feeling to have no parents.
Jeeesh, I barely get used to not having a father and suddenly I have no one.
Gosh darn it.

Musings on Life now

Scott is going to meet extended family tomorrow for the first time. I warned him that my sister and I look very much alike, especially whenever I have a weight gain (like now), and to be careful not to get too close to the wrong girl.

"Does she have the same smile as you?" he asked.

I thought about it. And I honestly couldn't remember seeing her smile. In fact, the thought of my sister with a smile on her face kind of makes me have the giggles.

"Just be careful," I told him, "You do NOT want to put your arm around the wrong girl." And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there isn't just something WRONG with that girl. I mean... we were raised in the same family, and yet she is just mean, angry, hateful, spiteful, pessimistic... ...gloomy... It's hard to come up with the correct word to describe her, she is just the complete opposite of me. You would NEVER, EVER hear someone describe her as "Cheerful". Or, "such a happy person". Or especially, "such a joy to be around."

Again, the giggles are coming, just thinking about someone saying that about her.

So, you all wanted to hear about my sister, there ya go.

In other news, I asked my aunt if she would come to my graduation in the Spring, and she said yes, and I asked if she would be my substitute mom for awhile, because honestly the idea of not having a mom is kind of getting to me.

I walked through the mall with Buffy today, looking for clothes for tomorrow, and I kept looking at little things thinking "I could get that for my mom for Christmas." And then I remember she won't be there for Christmas. And then I got super sad because I never ever had enough money to get her anything really nice, and I was really looking forward to this year and being able to get her some nice presents. For us, it was always the thought that counted, she often regifted us with things her little first graders had given her, and we knew they were regifts, and it never mattered (well, except to Sister - but I am not counting her as part of my family)(and also, she never even came for Christmas). But even though it was the thought that counts, I still wish that I could have ever done something nice for her after all she did for me.

I mean, ... I couldn't even save her life. It would have been nice if I could have done something for her while she was alive.

Okay we sold the golf cart for $3000. Now we can pay the property tax bill that's due on November 1.

On a lighter note:

a) The highest bidder can take Buffy home with them for the next four years, and honestly it probably wouldn't take that high of a bid. Unless you are THAT BOY, and then you better just stay away from me because do you not understand that I don't need any more grief at this time in my life??? Also - if you're a fifteen year old boy and you want to see a thirteen year old girl, it would probably have been different if you two hadn't LIED about it, and maybe once in your life said Hello to her mother, and didn't keep it under wraps like you had this big secret that needed to be hid, because that? looks suspicious.

b) If you are a television reporter, maybe you could ask the make-up person to cover up that HONKIN HUGE cold sore on your upper lip. You know, it might be better for your career. I'm just saying.

Are you this kind of friend?

Think about it. Your best friend's mother has just died. Would you take the mother's address book and call her friends and relatives and even her dentist, to let these strangers know that your best friend's mother has died?
No?
Then you wouldn't be my friend Charleen.

And when this is over I'll never have to see her again

My aunt just called, very upset, said my sister found some new dishes and she has packed them up and doesn't plan to tell me about them. She said Sister is making all kinds of plans without wanting me to know, and wants her friend to come to the house later to pick her stuff up and put in storage.

Aunt and I agreed, she will have to store her stuff in the garage, the house will be locked up, and I will have the locks changed when she leaves. I told my aunt to not worry, I have the things that are important to me, and I am not going to stress about anything else my sister takes. That is a price she will have to pay herself later.

I am exhausted. Dividing stuff up is tiring. But I managed to get my mother's wedding dress, my dad's military uniform, the wedding rings, and some artwork - most of which was painted by my mother. My sister was only interested in anything antique and valuable, or any jewelry that was valuable. She also had a list in her head of some other items that she wanted, but um, my mom gave those items to me looooooong ago. It was very interesting the things she had not a care in the world for, and even things she sniffled up her nose to - like the christening dress that she and I both wore, and so did my daughter and so did her daughter. She not only didn't want it, but made some dirisive comments that she only had her daughter wear it because it was so important to my mother, and she thought it would have been much more special to have made her daughter's dress, than to have her wear the one her own mother wore.
And then she made fun of a lot of stuff, and even made comments about "my mother must have been getting old if she thought this was cute."

Whatever. I got the christening dress, and Buffy said she would love to have her own daughter wear it. It's beautiful. My sister sucks.

Buffy is HECKA pissed because I yelled at her today about THAT BOY, and actually yelled really loud and got in her face for the first time and blah blah blah anyway, she's really mad.

But she just caught me crying a little bit a minute ago and she went to her room and got her label maker and printed out "I LOVE U MOMMY" and came and stuck it on my hand.

I think I'll leave it there for awhile.

Ya know, losing the second parent is a lot worse than losing the first... even though I was closer to my mom than I was to my dad, it's not just the loss of my mom, it's the loss of EVERYthing. Now we have to get rid of it all, the car, the dog, the house, everything in the house... and then there's nothing, no more Thanksgiving, no more Christmas, no more visits no more phone calls. Last Thanksgiving and Christams I had both my parents, this year I have none. And no where to go.

I mean... I'll have Scott, and I have my kids, but otherwise? no more family. And soon, the sale of everything. That's just kind of unbelievable.

Incidently, my mother was the nicest lady in the whole world. Everyone who ever knew her said that. She never did a bad or a mean thing EVER. This wasn't supposed to happen.

No more parents left

So. She didn't make it.

Well yesterday when Spike and I went to help my mom with some stuff she was finally dressed in every day clothes and seemed to be better. I need to write an actual entry about this because this week has not been nice. I don't want my mom to be sick. But I'm about to face the fact that she is, very much so. It is wierd though, a couple days before she got sick I was visiting her and thinking how much older she suddenly looked. Like she had aged ten years since my dad died in May. And now this.

I hope this isn't going to be "one of those years". Those years you don't ever, ever want to repeat.

So here I am back at the school library computer center. I'm waiting for class to start, but also looking up Crohn's Disease because I was just informed by my aunt on the phone on the way to school that my mother has it pretty badly and it's "pretty serious" but "don't worry... too much." But my mom is so weak she cannot talk on the phone or she'd just pass out. Great.

Whatever, Aunty. Jeez.

And what a great way to start off another school year.

By the way, I just dropped $330 at the book store and I don't even have all my books. Thank God I get that fee waiver, or I'd be over $400 MORE in the hole.

No wonder we were always starving last year.

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