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I tried to look up resolutions from last year but I guess I didn't make any official ones. I know that I've had a perpetual resolution of losing weight, and I ACCOMPLISHED IT WOOOOO, and I also know the triathlon was on my list, and I accomplished that too. Overall I did accomplish a lot in 2009. Here are my resolutions for 2010:

1. Watch less TV. Dude, I watch a lot of TV, especially working from home. But the TV has been off for two weeks now, let's see if I can keep it up.l

2. Complete an Olympic length triathlon. I have one on schedule for June 13.

Eh, I think that's good enough. If I keep training for the triathlon I will lose these last 35 pounds, so I'm not going to make a resolution. I do need to get a full time job soon, so I should work on that. But otherwise, I think less TV will be better for my brain and allow me to read more books, and the triathlon will work over my body.

Love and friendships are all in line to shape up without needing a resolution.
Hope all of you have a wonderful New Year too!

Decade statistics

I've been thinking back to the last ten years, and this is what the Oughts brought me:

Ten years ago tonight I spent a nice quiet evening at home with Mr. Tweaker. It wasn't a bad night.

The first five years of the 2000s brought me:
The last horrible years with Mr. Tweaker
The unrequited pursuit of Eliza
A burned down house
Two dead cats
A dead father
A new job
A dead mother
An extra 88 pounds

The second five years of the 2000s brought me:
An Associates Degree
An inheritance
Several vacations
A Bachelors Degree
A dead grandmother
A long and happy relationship with Scott
Work with Cinequest
Friends who love film
Minus 35 pounds
A horrible break up
The best friend I've ever had
The realization of who I am

Overall, the Oughts sucked. But there were very good things: Scott, the job, Cinequest, Erin.

Here's hoping the Teens go much better. I refuse to say "Bring it!" like I see many others of you do, because the last time I tempted fate my house burned down within 24 hours. I will not be tempting fate again. I will only ask for fate to be kinder to us all in this decade. I could use some kindness, so could Scott, so could Erin, so could my kids, so could the rest of the World.

Well I made it through the holidays, although just barely.

I knew this year would be the hardest of all. I've had Scott to kind of cushion the holiday blues the last four years, but this year I would have to face it all myself. I knew that this would be a good thing, possibly a big step towards finally healing, but I also knew it would be hard. I told Erin my feelings in November and asked her to be prepared for a lot of tears.

WOW. Good thing I warned her, and good thing I was prepared for it myself, because the enormity of my emotions hit on a much larger scale than I had anticipated.

I'm not going to go into details here. I will overall say that I can understand why the suicide rate goes up during the holidays - I was nowhere near suicide, but the enormous loneliness and feeling like you don't matter in the world AT ALL during Christmas, when you don't have anyone to celebrate with, it is just about as powerful a loss as you can experience.

I don't need comments on this, especially advice on how to get through it. If you have not experienced going through the holidays alone you will never ever understand it. I am just glad it is over with, I am glad I had Erin to lean on when she was available (family obligations prevented us from spending it together, though she went out of her way to make sure I was okay) (I never was, haha), and I hope TO GOD that things are different next year. I don't want to go through that ever again.

However, it's a new year coming up! A new FULL year of me finally being myself for the first time in my life. The happiness as far as that goes is off the charts.

You know, I'm not one who usually cares what people think of me, and I'm still not. But I'm a little surprised that someone would think it's okay to OUT you to friends and former coworkers without even considering whether I wanted this or not.

The truth is, I don't care who knows. But I would never ever do that to someone without asking first, especially to someone I supposedly care about. This should have been up to ME, not your hurt feelings.

Forgiveness

Erin was going through a lot of my family pictures last night.
"Your husband doesn't look like such a bad guy," she commented.
"That's the PROBLEM," I said, "He looks so handsome and sweet [these were old pics] and he can be so charismatic, that no one ever believes what went on behind closed doors."
She looked at me and I wasn't sure what she was thinking.
"He let me stand in food lines to feed his kids while he was driving around in a brand new convertible mustang and bought a house he couldn't afford," I told her. I pointed to a picture of ex-boyfriend Joe. "I forgive this guy for burning down my house before I'll forgive Armando for what he did to his wife and children."

And it's true. Joe may have been out of his mind but he didn't burn the house down on purpose. Joe never would have done ANYTHING to hurt those kids. What Armando did (and does) is willful and on purpose, with full knowledge of the consequences. When it comes down to it, he thinks only about himself. ALWAYS.

I hold Joe's problems against him. But not the house fire. Despite his problems, he did whatever he could to take care of me and the kids, and he certainly paid more attention to those kids than Armando did. Being there in the good times does not make you a good parent. Taking care of your responsibilities and being there always, that makes you a good parent.

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