« September 2009 | Main | November 2009 »

So I decided to escape my motherly duties of running around town helping Buffy get her Halloween costume last night and instead sent her out with her brother and my bank card. I told her brother that if he was able to complete the mission (outfit her like Coraline) I'd give him a cash bonus.

Before they left I asked Buffy exactly how much she thought this costume might cost. This was of course a huge deal, how is SHE supposed to know??? "All I need is a yellow raincoat and boots. And long socks. And a blue wig. And a dragonfly hairpin." Well, so it's going to cost me LESS than $100, RIGHT? I don't want this costume costing $100!! "No, of COURSE not."

So today I asked how much it cost.

$80.

And she hasn't even gotten the wig or the dragonfly barrette.

Because she went to Target and got an ACTUAL yellow WOOL coat, and fancy shmanchy rainbow rain galoshes, and pretty sparkly wool knee socks.

"You said don't spend $100."

Sometimes it costs much less just to do things yourself. And you would think I would have learned by now to set exact limits.

Through too many very long conversations (many of them under the influence of wine... or vodka) Erin knows that I write on the internet, and is doing her best to get the supreme password out of me - Not gonna happen, haha. She doesn't know she could easily find this particular site, yet.

She asked last night if I had given her a pseudonym, which made me laugh because of course I did! No, Erin is not her name. There are a couple different reasons for this (as always, with internet writing). I won't go into them here, but one of the main reasons is that we have mutual friends who would be shocked (Shocked, I say!) to find out we are seeing each other now. Not mad or disapproving, but at least one of them might be hurt and a little jealous. So, no real name here.

Anyway. It was wierd when she asked me about her name last night. I usually put a lot of thought into the pseudonyms I use here - I think the names I choose help me keep connected with the real person and also portray to you who that person really is. Erin fits her. But what would YOU think about a name someone else gave you?

She likes it. And that made me happy. She seemed to really approve - although she made it clear that she believes she has an awesome real name (and she does! it's as beautiful as she is!). But it made me happy that she likes the name I gave her.

Are you sick of this love-mush babbling yet? I'm sure you will be soon.
:)

Erin is making me halibut for dinner.

*HEAVEN*

Shall we get started?

Since the triathlon ended I have been a little lost. Well, obviously, since I made some drastic changes, heh, but seriously... I have no goals. The school goal isn't working for me, this Mass Comm thing is boring beyond tears and I'm not sure I couldn't get the exact same job with or without the degree. Without my triathlon training schedule I couldn't even get workouts done. And as happy as I am with Erin, there are complications there that prevent any goal setting at the moment, or that even set things one step backward for every two forward (but I'm still incredibly, impossibly happy) -- you know, the way most relationships work.

It's like life is at a standstill. Things I want to move forward either aren't going anywhere or I have no control over their direction. So... lost.

So I've gone back to training for a triathlon. I don't know which one, any one. As far as I know there aren't any until Spring, but I really enjoyed the workouts and they helped keep me focused on life. So back I go. In fact, I've been doing more than before -- which isn't any harder because without the extra weight the workouts are easier. So I swim Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and take a spin class in the evenings. Bike Monday and Friday mornings, run in the evenings. Wednesday has been an off day as I usually work in a visit with Erin in the afternoons - but I swim on the days we can't visit. Weekends are whatever I can get to... biking in the morning, swim or spin in the morning, running in the evenings.

Oh yeah, this entry got boring quick, didn't it. Well... this stuff is making me happy and it's keeping me focused, even though there is no goal at the end. Yet.

Tomorrow is Spend the Day with Erin day. Hurray! haha...

I guess I don't have much else to say. I am adjusting to other changes I've made and I'm still waiting for some direction to come into my life. Hopefully I get some sort of focus soon.

Erin is at concert right now with her old college friend... she just texted me a happy face because she's having so much fun. It put a giant smile on my own face. I love seeing her happy.

It's been a sad and emotional week. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.
I think, I THINK, that Scott is okay now. We had a nice dinner this evening and I am sure we will have many more. I hope he can start healing now, he at least showed a lot of humor for the situation this evening.

Unfortunately, and shame on me, I believe a certain relative of his has been reading this site. And if this is indeed where she found the news -- I hope you understand how much I loved (and love) him. I understand if the family is mad at me... well, no, you shouldn't be. We loved and cherished each other for seven years, through richer and poorer, in sickness and in health -- and you KNOW this. I never hurt him until this and would have done anything to avoid it. And I will for SURE miss you and the rest of my surrogate family. But... I do understand. Please understand my side now.
That said, I think he and I are on our way to being friends again, and I'm happy. This weekend I will be working out and doing yard work Saturday, hanging out with Erin on Sunday. After this emotional week, I think I can be happy this weekend. So let the weekend begin! FINALLY!!

He called this evening.
Well, he called and hung up. But I called him back.

And we laughed about things. Because what else can you do when your partner for life tells you something like this? You can get mad or you can laugh. I knew it would hurt him, and it did and does and will, but I also knew he is the special kind of person who would understand - eventually. If I were anyone else to him and had made that confession, he would have encouraged me to go after what I had to. But I am not just anyone to him.

But it will be okay. We joked about suicide first (yes, joked). And he tried to get some snarky digs in (deserved). And then we both just laughed at the situation, over and over and over. I accept and deserve the digs. He accepts the humor.

He sees the humor in this tragic, stupid, crazed situation. The exact same lines could be written as a comedy or a tragedy - but I think we will in the end turn it into a comedy. As I try to make anything else in my life.

Otherwise suicide would have been the only option a long time ago.

And this sets me free. I know he is still hurt - but I also know he WILL be okay eventually. And I think HE understands that eventually he will be okay, and that I meant it when I said we would be friends and that it will actually work. So I don't have to carry this pain with me right now, his pain. I can go be me, my happy self.

And she does, she makes me incredibly happy, happier than I've ever been in my whole life. And I can see that happiness reflected in her own face. Which doubles it back in mine.

To infinity.

For what it's worth (nothing).

I did what I had to do, though not with 100% confidence, and it left me with a giant hole in my heart. A close friend said the best way was to just do it quickly, like ripping a bandaid off. I remember sitting across from him last night thinking "This is not like ripping a bandaid, this is like taking a shovel and slamming it right through each of our hearts."

How does one do this and live through it. How do you hurt someone you love and who loves you back, someone who has never wronged you... but because you had this vague certainty that it was the right thing to do. That you needed something different. Not a grass is greener different, but an entirely different thing different, something he has no capacity to give.

It's not as if I don't love him, and I told him that, for what it's worth (nothing). I told him that my realization about myself, something I've always known but didn't really allow myself to think about until August, that it did not change anything about how I felt about him. And it doesn't. For what it's worth (nothing).

But in the end, what it's worth really is nothing, because in the end I have to go to a completely unknown place. One that's only vaguely familiar right now but is going to become my life. A place I feel like should be scary and strange but instead feels more comfortable and right than anything before.

So it's over now. I have left the person who has loved and supported and stood by me for seven years. There is a giant hole in my heart, and I don't know when I'll get over it, but I do know it will probably never close completely.

Thank Gawd I have comment spammers to tell me about the dangers of four hour erections! Who said comment spammers weren't useful, eh?

So this afternoon I leave for Aptos. I'm sure we will go to dinner tonight, and I can probably convince Scott to go see Zombieland tomorrow. But my lack of internet and cell service there is going to be hard - I will have no connection to Erin and this already makes me sad. She is also going through a difficult personal time and... it's difficult to not have access to your friend when you need that person. So, a little sad today. The last time I left for the weekend was awful, this time will be worse because of the problems she is going through.

Oh well. This is life. We all have to make difficult decisions and figure out how to get through life happy. And sometimes that takes time.

Yes, still deliriously happy. Happier every day. My head may explode from happiness.
But it's a wierd kind that I can't quite talk about yet. "(As honor, for the time being, commands)" as Donald Justice says. I'm not ashamed, I'm not afraid to say it out loud, but you all cannot be the first to hear it. So I need to take care of some things first.

I don't know when that will be. But I cannot keep it inside for long.

In the meantime, I am Happy.

It really can't be overrated.

Still feeling very happy. Where did all this happiness come from? I don't know, but there it is. I see no reason to chase it away.

Bright Star - the Movie

Well, Bright Star is exactly what I thought it would be, not really my kind of movie, but the trailer looked beautiful and the movie certainly was. I enjoyed myself, and there was great sexual tension between the actors playing the unconsumated lovers. As far as romance film goes, I tolerated this one just fine. Erin was not so enthused about it, but she picked it so she couldn't complain. "What did you THINK was going to happen?" I asked her when it was over. She laughed.

She held my hand at the end when Fanny was shrieking in grief at Keats' death. And then she said I could pick the next movie. I'm thinking Whip It or Zombieland (if I can convince her to go).

Today Erin and I are going to go see Bright Star. Super romantic!! Can't wait!! And maybe go out to eat after.

Still deliriously happy. Happier every day. That is all I have to say for now.
:)

I know I don't pay enough attention to this. A long time ago I once wrote that the time you have to spend writing about your life is an opposite ratio to the time you spend living it.

I have been living my life. I am extremely happy right now. I have made some huge decisions, and these will require some drastic changes in my life. But they will all be for the good. They ARE all for the good.

All I know is that I am happy right now and I only see happiness in the future. No matter what.

Maybe someday I'll have more time to write about it.

Site
Diary
Running Diary
Pictures
Guestbook
Pischina-Ku
books

Recent Entries
Just Do it yourself
Erin approves herself
happy
Starting over
Life goes on
He was always worth it, that's why I love him
For what it's worth (nothing).
Thanks, Spammers!
The weekend
Extraordinary happiness difficult to talk about

Categories
Blogger Idol
Books
Computer People
Diary Update
eBay
Family
Food
Friday Five
Happy!
Health
Interesting
Kids
Lara Croft
Movies
Music
News
Nothing Special
Old Blogger Entries
Pets and Pets and Pets
Politics
Quiz
Reasons for Love
Recipes
Running
School
Scott
Site Maintenance
Sports
Television
Theatre
Vehicles
Work
Writing