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Today I got a fat package in the mail from SJSU and I could tell by looking at it that my diploma had to be inside. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to open it up. It was taped up real tight so I had to get a knife from the kitchen, and I slowly and carefully sliced it open. Inside was a big fat diploma holder. I opened it up, and saw my name written inside…

And I burst into tears. And I just started sobbing. So many emotions. Relief and accomplishment, but also such frustration and sadness that my parents couldn’t see it. I know my mom would happily die all over again if she had had a chance to see me graduate.

Some of you don’t know this, but my father passed away in my second semester of school and my mom followed in my third semester. I had to help my mom with the police and paramedics when my father died, and then four months later I was giving my mom CPR and screaming into 911 on the phone. I couldn’t save her. After they declared her they said I could sit and talk to her for a minute and say goodbye, and all I could do was assure her that we were going to be okay, and that no matter what I would finish school and graduate. I just hoped she could hear me, that she hadn’t completely left yet, that she knew I was going to fulfill my promise. I know it meant so much to her.

I remember in April 2004 seeing my mom on the road. I pulled up next to her in my car and told her through our windows that I was going back to school. She was so excited she went to the school (where she was a teacher) and told everyone, then she called my whole family. By the time I came home from work that day everyone knew. She was so excited and proud of me and I had not even attended one class yet.

She was always so proud of anything and everything I ever did. For me, right now, my life goal is to complete this triathlon. But before that goal, my goal had been to graduate college. Whenever the question came up about my one regret in life, that was always my answer: not finishing school. It was a rough four years, and the deaths of my parents didn’t make it any easier. But I did it.

So that’s why, even though I finished my classes last December, opening up this diploma now and having concrete evidence in my hands was such a terribly emotional thing. It represents so much. Erasing that life regret, accomplishing a huge goal and accomplishing it so well with so many things thrown at me, knowing I made my parents proud and keeping my promise… but also knowing they aren’t here to see it.

I’m about as emotionally wrecked right now as I was when my mom died. It’s sort of like losing her all over again because she was so much a part of this.

I just want to thank you all for all the love you’ve sent me. So many of you have supported me through the last four years, and sent me love when I needed it, and I appreciate it so much, more than you'll ever know. Thank you. I’ll try to continue making you all proud in the future.

I lost another two pounds, bringing grand total to 27.5 pounds lost.

:D

The last two weeks have had some ups and downs, but mostly ups and that has been nice.

I was stressed out about the unknown-ness of school, but that turned out to be for naught; school is going to be easy this semester (EASY! Grad School!!) and I'm looking forward to a 750 word essay I have due in two weeks. I've made quite a few friends in class already and they seem to like me a lot. I guess it is nice having friends, isn't it.

26 days until the triathlon. I've lost enough weight now that the workouts can be really intense and actually get work done instead of just burn calories. I almost wish I had one more month to get these great workouts in, but then again, it's my FIRST triathlon and not necessarily my LAST triathlon, right? I'm enjoying the workouts so much really, I know I will happily continue with them. I got back in touch with a friend from high school and it turns out he does sprint tris all the time, that's when I realized this doesn't have to be over in three weeks - I can do more and get better and faster!

Then again, I'm pretty emotional about finishing this. It's a goal I've always had in my head, and when I used to run and bike all the time it was a goal I really wanted but didn't have time to train for. And then after that weight gain I kind of thought that that life was over... but it turns out it isn't. I'm back to my old (young) self again. Granted, I still have 50 lbs to lose, but I can see the old (young) me in the mirror again. And now I'm about to accomplish a goal I've had forever, something most people NEVER DO. So on the one hand I'm going to cry when I cross the finish line, and on the other hand I'm going to cry because my mom never knew what I've managed to do. I hate when these accomplishments come up, because that's when your parents are supposed to say they're proud of you, you know? And they so would be. They would be CRAZY proud. So that's hard. Really really hard.

I'm going to cross that finish line and just fall into the sand sobbing with happiness and sadness, heh, I just know it.

I accomplished a lot this year, I really did. Just losing this small portion of the weight is such an accomplishment and I'm so proud of myself for that. I tried so hard for such a long time and nothing worked. I don't know why it worked this time. But it did. And then I stuck it out! I stuck it out and kept going all this time, and I've kept to my workout plan (with some bumps on the way) and now here we are, almost 25 lbs down and a new strong body.

So on November 11, 2008, I wrote a list of 25 things I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime. I've already nearly accomplished EIGHT of those things! In less than ten months!! These were really important things to me, and I did them, I got them done. There are the ones I'll be crossing off this year:

1. Finish my BA in English Literature
DONE!

4. Buy a convertible Mercedes
Well, this one was a total accident, but it's sitting in front of the house!

11. Get back to my normal weight and I would like to accomplish this in the next 12 months
I have 50lbs to go, but my body shape has changed dramatically, and my face has changed dramatically. I would be happy to stay right where I am - but I'm going to finish off the 50 lbs.

12. Have some sort of writing, any writing at all, published
I write for Metblogs and I've been ghost writing articles for a newsletter in Aptos.

13. Wear stiletto heels – and look smashing
I bought them but haven't had occasion to wear them yet - but I HAVE been wearing high heels, and I DO look smashing. :) And that makes me HAPPY.

14. Work for Cinequest
I'm not employed by them (yet) but I've done a lot of work for them and they all know who I am. Halfdan Hussey quoted my writing in his closing remarks at the festival this year. I've had an amazing time with everyone and felt like a superstar when so many people were looking for ME to talk to. Working with Cinequest this year actually changed my life a lot, although most people don't realize how much.

16. Complete a sprint triathlon (next Summer?)
OMG YOU GUYS I'm REALLY GOING to DO IT!!!

19. One year go to Mark Jacquet’s famous Halloween party
I never could bring myself to go before because I didn't want everyone to see how much weight I had gained. This year, I think I'm going to make it. And that makes me happy.

On top of all this, I think because of all this, an incredible new friend has come into my life too, and she makes me very happy also. She was always my friend, but now we have the time and opportunity to be closer... and you know there are not a lot of people I can stand to be around for long periods of time, so it's not easy for me to be friends with people. This one, I like having around. She's definitely a keeper.

WOW, I managed to say a LOT this time, eh? I'm not even procrastinating for anything, haha.

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