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Sometimes I hate my sister so much I could just cry.

Feeling kind of dead inside

I am here at work and I thought I was fine but I'm just sitting here staring at my computer screen. I still have so much to do as soon as the clock strikes nine.
Call the mortuary to have them send me the death certificates and ask about my mother's ashes.
Call the lawyer and set up an appointment.
Call my spanish teacher and explain why I wasn't at the midterm Saturday.
That doesn't seem like too much, but I still feel overwhelmed.

A girl at my work said she watered the plants on my desk while I was gone. Little things like that can really mean so much. Such a small thing to do, but it was the only thing she could do to help.

I'm just not quite here yet today.

Silly Kitties

It seems funny that the cats must have reset their own clocks for Daylight Savings Time too.
5:00am, bright and early and on the dot, Phoebe-Kitty was ready to go outside.

Yesterday was a pretty happy day as we celebrated the life of my mother.
Today... everyone, across the board, seems to be much sadder than before.

I am now getting an A in Algebra II. And I have no mother to tell.
See? That sucks.

Happy Birthday to Me

And finally, I turn 39 in nine or so days.
I'm going to try to make that a happy day, and not "the first birthday without any mom or dad". But it is still nice to know that this is the year I will get my first college diploma, and I will not yet be 40. That was my goal, and my mom was proud, and I'm just going to keep that in mind.

The day after

Okay, the services are over, and they were beautiful and happy and I didn't even cry (no REALLY, I didn't cry once!) because they really were so happy, and the speakers were awesome and the church was filled - I mean there was easily 300 people there and possibly more. And there was food galore, the teachers brought desserts and had Pasta Pomodoro catered in, and Scott came and everyone loved him and my whole family was there and that was awesome seeing everyone especially my grandparents who are around 88 years old and don't look a day older than 70 I'm not even kidding.

And my sister is still here, until Wednesday, and no one was too impressed with her that's for sure, especially when Charleen and her husband and her parents were all running around setting everything up and helping people as much as possible while my sister was... first in the food line. But Whatever, right?

When it was over Scott and I went to Starbucks to just talk a little, haven't seen him in two weeks and really could use some time at his house but Buffy wants to go to church this morning and so do I, so Scott left last night and I need to go take a shower.

So we go say goodbye to my mom today.
It's kind of hard to believe because she was supposed to live forever.
Or at least another 10-20 years.
She was only 61.

Time for bed.
Big day tomorrow and probably lots of tears and sniffles.
I should probably drink lots of water in preparation.

I can't believe my mom is dead.

Must get excited about school again

I just started up Algebra for the first time since Mom died. I'm a week behind in all my classes. What a time to be taking 16 units, eh? It seemed like an easy chapter though, we shall see.
It's time to start thinking about next semester (and graduation!) and the new class schedule is out.
It looks like I'll be able to take my final math class over Winter Session and it will even be online! But that would mean I would be taking Statistics, which Pischina no likey, but you can't beat an online class.
And then in the Spring I'll have:
Spanish II (5 units)
English Lit B (3 units)
Swimming (1 unit)

AND they are offering the Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans Literature class online. That is super exciting, to see all these new classes opening up online. So if I can get into the winter math class, then I'm taking that Gay/Lesbian Lit class in the Spring. That will be 12 units. Piece of cake after this semester if I can keep everyone around me alive.

You may not want to get too close, heh.

Sucky Sucky Sucky

My aunt said she would come to my graduation in the Spring.
Did I say that already?
It's not right to not have any parents at a graduation.
It is a very wierd feeling to have no parents.
Jeeesh, I barely get used to not having a father and suddenly I have no one.
Gosh darn it.

Musings on Life now

Scott is going to meet extended family tomorrow for the first time. I warned him that my sister and I look very much alike, especially whenever I have a weight gain (like now), and to be careful not to get too close to the wrong girl.

"Does she have the same smile as you?" he asked.

I thought about it. And I honestly couldn't remember seeing her smile. In fact, the thought of my sister with a smile on her face kind of makes me have the giggles.

"Just be careful," I told him, "You do NOT want to put your arm around the wrong girl." And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there isn't just something WRONG with that girl. I mean... we were raised in the same family, and yet she is just mean, angry, hateful, spiteful, pessimistic... ...gloomy... It's hard to come up with the correct word to describe her, she is just the complete opposite of me. You would NEVER, EVER hear someone describe her as "Cheerful". Or, "such a happy person". Or especially, "such a joy to be around."

Again, the giggles are coming, just thinking about someone saying that about her.

So, you all wanted to hear about my sister, there ya go.

In other news, I asked my aunt if she would come to my graduation in the Spring, and she said yes, and I asked if she would be my substitute mom for awhile, because honestly the idea of not having a mom is kind of getting to me.

I walked through the mall with Buffy today, looking for clothes for tomorrow, and I kept looking at little things thinking "I could get that for my mom for Christmas." And then I remember she won't be there for Christmas. And then I got super sad because I never ever had enough money to get her anything really nice, and I was really looking forward to this year and being able to get her some nice presents. For us, it was always the thought that counted, she often regifted us with things her little first graders had given her, and we knew they were regifts, and it never mattered (well, except to Sister - but I am not counting her as part of my family)(and also, she never even came for Christmas). But even though it was the thought that counts, I still wish that I could have ever done something nice for her after all she did for me.

I mean, ... I couldn't even save her life. It would have been nice if I could have done something for her while she was alive.

Okay we sold the golf cart for $3000. Now we can pay the property tax bill that's due on November 1.

On a lighter note:

a) The highest bidder can take Buffy home with them for the next four years, and honestly it probably wouldn't take that high of a bid. Unless you are THAT BOY, and then you better just stay away from me because do you not understand that I don't need any more grief at this time in my life??? Also - if you're a fifteen year old boy and you want to see a thirteen year old girl, it would probably have been different if you two hadn't LIED about it, and maybe once in your life said Hello to her mother, and didn't keep it under wraps like you had this big secret that needed to be hid, because that? looks suspicious.

b) If you are a television reporter, maybe you could ask the make-up person to cover up that HONKIN HUGE cold sore on your upper lip. You know, it might be better for your career. I'm just saying.

Are you this kind of friend?

Think about it. Your best friend's mother has just died. Would you take the mother's address book and call her friends and relatives and even her dentist, to let these strangers know that your best friend's mother has died?
No?
Then you wouldn't be my friend Charleen.

And when this is over I'll never have to see her again

My aunt just called, very upset, said my sister found some new dishes and she has packed them up and doesn't plan to tell me about them. She said Sister is making all kinds of plans without wanting me to know, and wants her friend to come to the house later to pick her stuff up and put in storage.

Aunt and I agreed, she will have to store her stuff in the garage, the house will be locked up, and I will have the locks changed when she leaves. I told my aunt to not worry, I have the things that are important to me, and I am not going to stress about anything else my sister takes. That is a price she will have to pay herself later.

I am exhausted. Dividing stuff up is tiring. But I managed to get my mother's wedding dress, my dad's military uniform, the wedding rings, and some artwork - most of which was painted by my mother. My sister was only interested in anything antique and valuable, or any jewelry that was valuable. She also had a list in her head of some other items that she wanted, but um, my mom gave those items to me looooooong ago. It was very interesting the things she had not a care in the world for, and even things she sniffled up her nose to - like the christening dress that she and I both wore, and so did my daughter and so did her daughter. She not only didn't want it, but made some dirisive comments that she only had her daughter wear it because it was so important to my mother, and she thought it would have been much more special to have made her daughter's dress, than to have her wear the one her own mother wore.
And then she made fun of a lot of stuff, and even made comments about "my mother must have been getting old if she thought this was cute."

Whatever. I got the christening dress, and Buffy said she would love to have her own daughter wear it. It's beautiful. My sister sucks.

Buffy is HECKA pissed because I yelled at her today about THAT BOY, and actually yelled really loud and got in her face for the first time and blah blah blah anyway, she's really mad.

But she just caught me crying a little bit a minute ago and she went to her room and got her label maker and printed out "I LOVE U MOMMY" and came and stuck it on my hand.

I think I'll leave it there for awhile.

Ya know, losing the second parent is a lot worse than losing the first... even though I was closer to my mom than I was to my dad, it's not just the loss of my mom, it's the loss of EVERYthing. Now we have to get rid of it all, the car, the dog, the house, everything in the house... and then there's nothing, no more Thanksgiving, no more Christmas, no more visits no more phone calls. Last Thanksgiving and Christams I had both my parents, this year I have none. And no where to go.

I mean... I'll have Scott, and I have my kids, but otherwise? no more family. And soon, the sale of everything. That's just kind of unbelievable.

Incidently, my mother was the nicest lady in the whole world. Everyone who ever knew her said that. She never did a bad or a mean thing EVER. This wasn't supposed to happen.

No more parents left

So. She didn't make it.

I.
Hate.
13 year old Girls.
And...
The 15 year old BOYS who touch them.

Someone is going to die, and I know that because Buffy's father is going to get his hands on him first.

And if you are a 13 year old girl, you know what? Don't make out with fifteen year old boys who are so stupid as to have a picture taken of you making out with each other ON YOUR BED and who then post it on their stupid MySpace which is linked to YOUR MySpace which is linked to your MOTHER'S MySpace.

Because see? Now your 13 year old ass is going to a babysitter every single day after school, and that's only if you're lucky enough to survive what your father is going to do to you now that your mother has emailed him the photo.

Also, Miss 13 year old BUFFY... it was your godmother CHARLEEN who found the stupid picture and you are oh so grounded for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what that means!
I go to class, where I get to hear more nonsense stories about a blind husband who rides a bike around town...

Caught up on some Spanish work yesterday, almost caught up on my English Lit reading - midterm on Thursday, and maybe today I'll do some Algebra. Or maybe I'll watch the dvd of Batman Begins which should arrive from Netflix today.

I have stories to write Folks. And no time to write them. For instance, Spike has been declared truant but is still the best damn kid I could ask for (except I might ask for a non-truant fantastic kid, but oh well), Buffy is gaining weight and quickly, Scott is a walking fool, my mother is still sick, and Charleen gave me some news about the ex-husband and his Red-Headed Ho that she insists I need to write about. But time, Folks, I need Time.

So bear with me. I have a five page essay to write this week also. Maybe I can squeeze in an entry this weekend.

Happy Tuesday!!!

The best part about the Indian guy who sits in the cube next to me at work is when he gets frustrated and he starts talking to himself, only I'm not really sure what he's saying, he sounds kind of frustrated, and it sounds like this:

(loud sing-song voice) "OHHHHH gaLOOBTILOOBTILOOBTI-gummalummagummalumma..."

I don't know what he's saying, or even what he's doing, but it cracks me up. It's one of those things you have to hear for yourself.

Happy Monday Morning!

First, T-Man Sam - glad to have you back!

Second, an update on the communications teacher/whacko - in case you missed it, her husband also rides a bike. So... Yeah. Also, last week in class she was talking about slavery and religion (again, what does that have to do with interpersonal communications???) and she told the class that the early colonists, who the slaves went to live with, were CATHOLIC. And she made a big deal about it, so it's not like she just slipped and meant "Christian", she actually had a long discussion about the CATHOLIC early-colonial slave owners.

For those who never paid any attention at all in History class, not even back in second grade... the colonists were PROTESTANT. NOT Catholic. But whatever.

Third... Phi Theta Kappa - WHOOOOOO!!!!!

Fourth - I'm at work, and I have to get started. Everyone have a happy day!!!

"Congratulations on your academic achievement! As a result of your dedication to scholastic success, the Phi Theta Kappa chapter on this campus extends to you an invitation to accept membership in the International Honor Society of the Two-Year College.

"...Gold Key Membership Pin. ...notation of membership on your diploma and transcripts and the privilege of wearing regalia at graduation. ...letters of recommendation for scholarships and employement.

"... induction ceremony on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 from 5:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. ...contact the Honors Program assistant," etc. etc...

Heck YES I'm paying the $57 fee!!

Oh, and I've settled on my major for next year.
Major: English Literature
Minor: Religious Studies

Doesn't that sound smart? heeee

Oh yeah, and I got an A on my Algebra midterm...

You know what, all we hear about in my communications class is about the teacher's blind husband, "my blind husband this" and "my blind husband that" and while it is clear that she loves him, and that he must love her, I am a bit more pissed off than I already was with my teacher at the moment.

Because I just did an internet search for my teacher, who has a very unusual hyphenated name, and I saw more results for her husband than for her. So I just clicked a few, you know, to see more about who he was - because I figured he is probably an interesting person. And one of the links led me to a thread where he is actually explaining what is wrong with his eyes, and while other people are bringing up very specific problems like cataracts, he says...

...only that his vision is 20/200 in one eye, and 20/400 in the other. Which means I don't know how I have a drivers license, because I am blinder than that. My vision is 20/475 in one eye and 20/525 in the other. Yet I don't say I am blind, you know why?

BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES. And CONTACT LENSES. Have you heard of these? Because not only have they been around for a very long time, but YOUR WIFE WEARS SOME.

I mean, come ON. Yes, I am blind as a bat WITHOUT my GLASSES. And I believe I am legally blind WITHOUT my GLASSES. But I don't go around telling people I am actually BLIND, because my vision is CORRECTABLE. 20/200 is better vision than I have ever had in my entire life, and I never thought I was blind before I got my glass at age 10.

Now, no where does the husband ever state, on the internet, that he is blind, only that he has difficulty seeing. But my teacher reminds us every danged week (when she manages to come to class) that her husband is blind, and disabled somehow, and such a special person because HE CANNOT SEE.

I'm telling you, this lady is a lunatic and is going to make me crazy before semester end. I'm afraid to raise my hand in class, because I may accidentally exclaim, "BULLSHIT".

Got my little heart sticker and everything

I just gave blood for the first time ever in my whole life and you know what? You should too.

You realize this is just procrastinating instead of preparing for my Algebra II Midterm at 10am, right?

I better go.

Yayyyy!

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

Yeah, this is about right... except for the eunuch part...

Mmmm.... Mai Tais are goooood

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive. And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

Nuts, I tell you

Jessica Biel declared Sexiest Woman Alive!

Huh- What??

Over Angelina Jolie? Jessica Alba even??
Jessica Biel has herself some good publicists, yes she does.

Well, it's going to be a good looking child, you can probably bet on that.

Design a new layout for the Diaryland Members page
Come on, I know one of you guys can do something better for Andrew!

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